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Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1243
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Top ten signs that your computer keyboard needs to be cleaned
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. 'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Jack Daniels,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.. 'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy 'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?' You're gonna LOVE me for this.... The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Three Nuns
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?" The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent. The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water." The third nun walked in. The mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pi**ed in the holy water!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Tiff With Riley
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ''I got in a tiff with Riley.'' ''Riley? He''s just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.'' ''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.'' ''Dear Lord. Didn''t you have anything in your hand?'' ''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley''s left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.'' |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, "What happened to your car?" "Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage." "You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one's wealth with God and Church this Sunday. How do you think I got this new car?" The next Sunday he saw Pastor White walking. "What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?" "No," said Pastor White. "I think one of my parishioners stole it." "That's terrible," said Father Brown. "This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear." Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle. Pastor Brown said, "See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick." Pastor White sheepishly replied, "Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike!"
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Grim Humour
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the wake!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Chastity Belt
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks. "You gave me the wrong key!" |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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cummerbund : Chastity Belt
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