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Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Dallas Cowboy Hero
Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy! "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replied. "Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said. "Then what are you?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys fan." The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Re: Patton and Kathleen:-
  It's even funnier than the lion tamer one! |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord, I found one." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Religious Nuts
There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Shirts Off
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."  |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka; don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass." We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t outta him. When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T." When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
THESE ARE FIVE GOOD RIDDLES....THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING....ENJOY...THIS SHARPENS THOSE NEURONES IN YOUR BRAIN....
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose among three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ? 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday? 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching! . . . . . . . . . . . . . THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW: Answers: 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right? 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung). 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing. 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day 5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph. how did you do? |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus a burial at sea. When he died, they kept their promise. They stitched up Uncle Seamus in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat. After a while, Mick asked, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Paddy slipped over the side, only to find himself in water to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Row some more." Later, Paddy tried again, but this time the water was only up to his belly. Finally, Paddy went over the side and disappeared for a long time. Mick was getting worried when suddenly Paddy broke the surface, gasping and snorting. "Well, Paddy? Is it deep enuff here?" "Aye, it is, Mick. Hand me da shovel!"
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Moron Cook's Diary
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper! Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden... Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
When the local church found out their small town was going to get a new tavern, they started a petition campaign and regular prayers to block the bar from opening. Work progressed uneventfully until the night before the bar was set to open, when a huge storm blew through and a lightning bolt struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were quite "smug" until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that they were responsible for his building's demise, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. As the case concluded, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I'm not sure how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
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