Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Top ten signs that your computer keyboard needs to be cleaned

• You can turn the keyboard over and get a mid-afternoon snack.
  
• You filled up a brand new vacuum bag... And it's still dirty.
  
• You can no longer tell the difference between the "NumLock" light and the bioluminescent fungus.
  
• The ants have taken the "W," "Q," and "Esc" keys.
  
• There's so much dust under the keys some of them can no longer be depressed.
  
• You call tech support but can't tell them what kind of keyboard you're using.
  
• You can hang it from the ceiling and use it as a fly trap.
  
• People ask for a set of rubber gloves before using it.
  
• When your cat walks on it, it can't decide if it's a treat or a litter box.
  
• Everyone compliments you on your cool "Chia Keyboard."

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Jack Daniels,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner..

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Tiff With Riley

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He''s just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn''t you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley''s left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

Grim Humour

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the wake!"