Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek,
and in a soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling a**-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well.
Only two left.'

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet?" he asked. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."

So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

The Most Gruesome Death

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

Happy Thanksgiving

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

The President's Puzzle
The V.P. walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"