A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

"I would have been released today."

The Vow of Celebracy

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels.
After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

You two are on the same wave length

A musician who spent his entire life trying to make the big time was depressed. He'd been turned down by every record company. No one recognized his unique genius. He dreamt up an elaborate plan to get back at those who rejected him. He went to a recording studio and told the engineer to record exactly what he says, copy it onto 1,000 CDs, and send one to every record exec in the country. He entered the booth, the red light came on, and he began: "To all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all these years: I dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, but all you do is ignore me so you can sign pretty-boy bands and Spice Girl rip-offs. I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry. It's you who've driven me to do this! Goodbye, murderers of Art!" And he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over the studio wall. Without ever looking up, the recording engineer said, "Okay, I've got a level. Let's go for a take!"

Two little boys, one about 6 and the other 4, were in the checkout line at the store. When it is their turn, the older one places their order on the counter for the clerk to ring it up. Among the candies and small toys, she spots a box of Tampons and asks the boy if they are for his mother. When he says no, she asks further, "Do you know what they are?" He says that he doesn't, but that he saw an ad on TV that said with these, you could swim and ride a bicycle and he was buying them for his little brother because he could do neither.