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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Ever wonder why when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally? It's because she smells like a new truck! |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Disappearing Husbands
One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!'' ''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.'' The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.'' ''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!'' ''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.'' |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We´ll be gone for a week this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I´ve been wanting. So would you please pack me enough clothes for a week an set out my rod and tackle box. We´re leaving from the please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught any fish… He says "Yes lot of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn´t you pack my new blue silkpajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies. "I did, they were in your tacklebox!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo.
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?" "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian. The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies. "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. "Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?" "Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?" The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed them the best food. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail. The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We do not understand,' said their leader. 'Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine.' 'Really?' the Israeli General replied. 'For five years, we've had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.' |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The new sperm was receiving instructions from the boss sperm. "When you hear the siren, head for the tunnel, swim until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern, swim to the end of that cavern where you will find a sticky red ball. Address that egg, saying: 'I am a sperm' and it will answer, 'I am an egg.' From then on you'll work together to create an embryo. Understand?" The sperm nodded. A few days later, the sperm heard the siren. He went to the tunnel with millions of sperm swimming behind him but he vowed to arrive first. He swam through the cavern and finally approached the sticky red ball. He smiled and said, "Hi! I am a sperm." The sticky red ball said, "Hi! I am a tonsil!"
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Akela!!!! That was great!!! Thanks
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keithhenry
Ace Cruncher Senile old farts of the world ....uh.....uh..... nevermind Joined: Nov 18, 2004 Post Count: 18665 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, 'My dog has a problem.'
----------------------------------------Dr. Saul says, 'So, tell me about the dog and the problem.' 'It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,' says Morty. 'He can talk?' the doubting doctor asks. 'Watch this!' Morty points to the dog and commands: 'Irving, Fetch!' Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,'So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!' Dr. Saul is amazed, 'This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?' Morty says, 'He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.'' |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Weather Forecaster
----------------------------------------The Indians asked their new Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the Chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people, to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be *very* cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy." |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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TO: GOD
----------------------------------------FROM: THE DOG Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed? Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog? Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog. -1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. -2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. -3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar. -4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. -5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. -6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. -7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'. -8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table . -9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after. -10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt. -11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch. -12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back? |
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