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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they both proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
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NAP2614
Master Cruncher Joined: Mar 27, 2007 Post Count: 2546 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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A skeleton walked into a bar and said "Give a beer and a mop."
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Houdi Elbow
Cruncher Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Post Count: 22 Status: Offline |
A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
----------------------------------------The lady goes to the chemist and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the cashier tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." He then tells her: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." At this the chemist said: "You'd better stay off your bicycle for at least a week." Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark",came the reply. Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again." Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian." ---------------------------------------- [Edit 2 times, last edit by Houdi Elbow at Feb 12, 2012 5:41:39 PM] |
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Houdi Elbow
Cruncher Joined: Apr 28, 2008 Post Count: 22 Status: Offline |
The wife has been missing for a week now. The police said be prepared for the worst, so I’ve been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.....
----------------------------------------A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom. The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?" The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?" She says: "Pepper." A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” A woman was pulled over for speeding by a Oklahoma Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I'll bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality. |
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Sotally Tober
----------------------------------------Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peep I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.  |
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
----------------------------------------Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. |
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Murphy's Computer Laws:
----------------------------------------- If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. - Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. - Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Any cool program always requires more memory than you have. - When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space. - If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash. - Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user. - The best way to see your boss is to access the Internet. - The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up. - Profanity is one language all computer users know. - An expert is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame. - A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs. - Failure is not an option, it's included with the software. - It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. - Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. - If it ain't broke, Overclock it! - Murphy works for Microsoft. In fact, he is in charge of their QA. |
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Lewis Black:
----------------------------------------Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out, and nobody woke you up and said, "Let's go shopping." |
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
----------------------------------------She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grandson, who, along with his wife, was coming to visit her. "Come to the front door of Building 14. There's a big panel beside the front door. With your elbow, push button 311. I'll buzz you in. Once you're inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and use your elbow to push 3. Get out on 3 and Apartment 311 is on your left. Ring my doorbell with your elbow." He was confused. "Grandma, that sounds easy enough, but why should I press all those buttons with my elbow? She snapped back, "What, are you coming empty-handed?!"
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