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Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A drunk staggered into a bar shouting, "Happy New Year!" A guy sitting by the door said, "You idiot! It's the middle of August." The bewildered drunk slurred, "Ohmygawd, my wife's gonna kill me. I've never been this late before!"
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Bubba's sister is pregnant and fell and banged her head, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" After a short hesitation, the doctor replies (in a hushed voice) "...Denephew" |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Mayor Bloomberg (NYC) has said that alternate side of the street parking will be suspended if the world ends today.
----------------------------------------  The Rapture |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
You get nuts everywhere , he can invite Camping and Strauss-Kahn for a beer , as HE who Camping was waiting for, won´t come, not this time also not in 2012 !
----------------------------------------So enough with those nonsenses . [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at May 22, 2011 10:08:32 AM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The WolfMan comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat, okay?! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?" At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. _____ ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
On a busy Medical/Surgery floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders: "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first." "He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours." "He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day." "Give range of motion every thirty minutes." "He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour." "Feed him something tasty every hour." "Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times." "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes." "You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well." The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A man ordered a glass of white wine, took a sip, tossed the remainder into the bartender's face and started weeping. As the bartender wiped his face, the man said, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I always do that. I'm so embarrassed. It's a terrible compulsion." The bartender grew sympathetic. "Say, pal, I know a great psychoanalyst. My wife and I have both been treated by him. He's as good as they get." The customer promised to see him, and left. Months later, the same man returned and ordered another white wine. "Did you see my psychoanalyst?" "I sure did," said the man. "Twice a week for months now." He took a sip of his wine and threw the remainder into the bartender's face. As the bartender wiped his face with a towel, he said, "Obviously, he's done you no good." "On the contrary," claimed the man, "he's done a world of good. Now I'm not embarrassed at all!"
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Was in dubio, whether to put this in "quote of the day" or "The Jokes Thread", and it ended up here... a whole series of comical and some that call for reflection:
----------------------------------------http://politicalirony.com/2011/07/26/late-night-political-humor-593/ some beauties: "It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." - Craig Ferguson "The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." - Jimmy Kimmel "An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, "I'm going to run for president in 2012" - Conan O'Brien Enjoy the rest --//-- [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Aug 6, 2011 12:55:06 PM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
thanks
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?" |
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