My teacher asked what was our favorite animal. I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she was wrong, since everyone else laughed. I told my dad; he said she's probably in PETA. They love animals very much. Me, too, especially chicken, pork and beef. She sent me to the principal's office. When I told him what happened, he laughed too, but said not to do it again. The next day, she asked for our favorite live animal. I said, "Chicken." "Why?" "Because you can fry 'em!" She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and said not to do it again. Today, she asked, "What famous person do you admire?" I answered, "Colonel Sanders

A group of country neighbours wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialise. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbours' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.

She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialise. The men were talking and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

Hello, Mr. Singer, this is your physician, Dr. Morris Abravenel, calling with your test results, and I’m just as glad, quite frankly, not to find you in. This way, I can be brief. I am out of the office myself at the moment, on the back nine at Indian Balls Golf Club here in Palm Desert, fourteenth hole, which is a beautiful little par-3, a hundred and forty-two yards, and I’ll be hitting a five-iron, as my caddy, Arturo, recommends. There are some slow players ahead of us, so I’ve got a minute here—Play through! Play through!—and on top of that we’ve got some fast players behind us! What a headache. So I’m just going to let them play through while I turn to the important subject of what your test results are telling me. I’ll be very straight with you, Mr. Singer. These are some disturbing numbers you have here, and your X-rays, which Arturo is now holding up to the gorgeous Palm Desert sun so I can examine them more closely, seem to indicate—”
Beep. “Memory bank full.”

“Tuesday, October 18th, 8:50 A.M.”
“Mr. Singer, it’s Dr. Abravenel again, returning your calls. Your tape ran out on me yesterday. So, in regard to your test numbers and X-rays, as I was saying, I do see some areas for serious concern. The main problem is that I’m bringing the club back too quickly. I need to slow the backswing down, because when I come forward my hips are not ahead of the club face, and— Excuse me, Mr. Singer, the starter is asking me something. It’s tournament week here, and . . . Mr. Singer, this is a very inconvenient time for me to have called you. Would you mind having a seat in your apartment? I’ll be with you shortly. Maybe there’s a magazine you can read. Thank you.”

“Tuesday, October 18th, 4:03 P.M.”
“Mr. Singer, Dr. Morris Abravenel. Just a quick message about your test results, so as not to keep you waiting. I want you to know that there’s no need to worry about them, after all. I’ve lost them. They disappeared somewhere, and your X-rays, too. It’s been windy as hell here at Indian Balls all day, stuff blowing everywhere, and, would you believe it, at one point this afternoon they even had to suspend play! Normally it’s so beautiful here. But I did want to put your mind at rest about that.”
“Tuesday, October 18th, 10:15 P.M.”
“False alarm, Mr. Singer—your test results weren’t lost, as it turns out. I had put them in another player’s golf cart, and this evening he kindly returned them to the very comfortable condo belonging to my ex-wife’s brother where I am staying here at Indian Balls. So, going over the results and the X-rays—and I kind of hate to tell you this straight out in a message on an answering machine, but—well, Mr. Singer, your condition appears to be very, very serious, possibly terminal. So that’s the bad news. The good news is, you would not believe the day I just had. I am playing the best golf of my life. Maybe it was the way the grass blades on the greens were bent or something that was slowing my putt down, but I was drilling those eight-footers, Mr. Singer, just draining them! I could do no wrong. So take heart—all is not gloom and doom. We’ll talk later in the week.”

“Friday, October 21st, 12:22 P.M.”
“Hello, Mr. Singer, this is Dr. Morris Abravenel, calling in reply to your last several telephone messages, and all I can say, Mr. Singer, is: Wow! What lung power! I don’t usually give a diagnosis over the phone, but you certainly sound healthy, no matter how deathly ill your test results might indicate that you are. And, about your comment that you plan to sue me, please be advised that I have had myself registered as a Liberian national with diplomatic immunity, so, if you do go to court, I believe you will find that you have no standing. However, I sense something in your tone that makes me a bit apprehensive, so to avoid miscommunication I am sending you my bill right away for services rendered so far. Justin, the young man in the pro shop, is letting me use his fax machine, so it should be coming through any minute now at your end.”
FAX TRANSMISSION FROM:
Dr. Morris Abravenel, M.D., P.C., L.L.D., Lwn. Dr.
Starter’s Booth
Back Nine
Indian Balls Golf Course
Palm Desert Enclave (gated)
Palm Desert, CA 92210
______________________________________
STATEMENT OF ACCOUNT
Patient Mr. Singer
Insurer Visa or MasterCard
Billing Cycle 24-7-365
Procedure Fee
Lumbar manipulation $2,200.00
(by phone)
Colonoscopy 5,035.00
(subcontracted)
Telephone consultation 175.00
(not home)
Telephone consultation 500.00
(home)
Perform implant 7,500.00
(by remote)
Redo implant (on site) 22,500.00
Airfare 1,380.00
Lodging 765.48
Taxis 235.00
Meals 378.43
Equipment rental 350.00
Deposition (@$600/hr.) 1,200.00
Breakage and Misc. 8,000.00
New balance $50,218.91
Detach for your records
OWED INSTANTLY TO DR. MORRIS ABRAVENEL: $50,218.91
Please!!
END OF FAX TRANSMISSION
___________________

“Monday, October 24th, 3:18 P.M.”
“Well, hello again, Mr. Singer, and, boy, is my face red! Owing to a reshuffling of our filing system, the records I thought were yours actually belonged to a Mr. Edmund Singer, a patient who is, uh . . . well, who happens to be deceased. This is what comes of not leaving your first name when you call. So what I was assuming were your test results was actually this patient’s autopsy report, and that accounts for my rather grim prognosis. Well, no harm, no foul, Mr. Singer. I have no idea of your current state of health, but at least you can’t be as bad off as this poor fellow! And about my bill: since it’s already in the system, the best thing for you to do is just pay it, and then talk to my secretary and the insurance companies and, possibly, obtain a reimbursement later. That will avoid any problem with the collection agencies.
“Not that this constitutes in any way an admission of error on my part, but, to show that there are no hard feelings, how would you like to come out here on your own nickel and play a round as my guest at Indian Balls? Let me know if that works for you. Till then, take care, and goodbye from your physician, Dr. Morris Abravenel.”

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are baseless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

Two friends were riding in a bus when one noticed the other had his eyes closed. "What's the matter, Bill? Are you sick?" Bill replied, "No. I just can't bear to see an old lady standing!"