New York Ranks Last in Happiness Rating.” —Headline in the Times.


SCENE: Mannahatta, May 24, 1626. On the horizon are two tall-masted ships, anchored in the Hudson. Two Lenape Indians, CALKANICHA, a chief, and LAPOWINSA, a younger tribesman, converse in their native Lenape, beneath an ancient oak tree.

CALKANICHA: (troubled) They showed you the beads?

LAPOWINSA: Yes, Grandfather. Beads, kettles, duffel cloth—you were just saying how we could use some duffel cloth.

CALKANICHA: I know, I know. (Sighs.) It just doesn’t add up.

Just then, a large contingent of Dutchmen approaches the Indians. They set down a large wooden chest, overflowing with wampum beads, duffel cloth, and other assorted goods. PETER MINUIT, the director-general of New Netherland, removes his hat and bows deeply.

PETER MINUIT: (in Dutch) Greetings, most wise and noble chief. On behalf of the Dutch East India Company, I offer you these valuable treasures in exchange for the rights to this tree-filled island and all its surrounding lands.

Lapowinsa and Calkanicha peer into the chest. They chat animatedly with each other in Lenape. After a minute, Minuit becomes antsy.

PETER MINUIT: Er, is there a problem?

Lapowinsa replies in rudimentary Dutch.

LAPOWINSA: Chief want me to say he appreciate offer—especially the wampum. Chief big on wampum. (Calkanicha gives a thumbs-up.) But, before we sign anything, we want to make sure white man understand what he is getting into.

PETER MINUIT: (confused ) I’m not sure what you mean . . .

LAPOWINSA: Look, we not want to seem patronizing—after all, it’s your duffel cloth—but we been in Mannahatta long time. And, sure, it seem dazzling and sophisticated at first. But living here? (He makes a skeptical face.) It not everything it cracked up to be.

PETER MINUIT: (worried) Why? Is there a scourge? Warlike neighbors?

LAPOWINSA: Not “scourge” per se. (Pinches fingers philosophically.) More like cultural pathology.

PETER MINUIT: I don’t follow.

LAPOWINSA: You know, little things: like how people only interested in “what you hunt,” not “who you are”; the relentless sarcasm; Fashion Week—oh, and how everyone always talking about Greenmarket! Seriously, it’s just produce! It make you feel like social pariah because you don’t like rainbow chard.

Calkanicha interjects.


LAPOWINSA: Chief say chard thing even worse in Brooklyn.

PETER MINUIT: (annoyed ) I fail to see how this is relevant . . .

LAPOWINSA: We just saying that this place have way of skewing people’s priorities. For example: Chief reside in bearskin district. Chief’s brother-in-law Eriwoneck live behind that new Montessori school in East Village, only twenty thousand paces distant. And yet they never see each other, because Eriwoneck refuse to journey beyond Fourteenth Creek!

Calkanicha shakes his head ruefully. The Dutchmen are totally mystified.

LAPOWINSA: (pensive) You know, it amazing how warrior can live among so many kinsmen and yet feel so alone.

PETER MINUIT: (exasperated ) If you are trying to discourage us from settling in this place, it will not work! We shall tame this savage land, and it will be a paradise on earth! A city free from extravagance and disproportionate compensation; with modern schools, selfless governance, and a system of congestion pricing to minimize gridlock!

Lapowinsa chortles.

PETER MINUIT: (grandiose) Romantic entanglements shall be mature and drama-free, and man shall treat his neighbor with exquisite grace and consideration—even if he is in a really big hurry.

The natives stare blankly at the white man for a full minute. Finally, Calkanicha shrugs.

LAPOWINSA: (translating) Chief say, “Knock yourselves out.”

Moments later, Lapowinsa and Calkanicha sign the deed of sale, and move to the country, like they always talked about. Sure enough, the New Amsterdam colony is plagued by violence, ethnic tension, and chronic mismanagement, and in 1674 the beleaguered settlement is ceded to Great Britain. Conditions remain difficult for the next three hundred years or so, until someone finally builds an IKEA. ♦

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out" "Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet. "Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe" "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty". "Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?" "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday (vacation)" "Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile "Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp. "Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?" "Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars" "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously. "Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?" "Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check" The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars" "Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it" The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean- going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct. "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin" The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had *never* in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this. First they went down though the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep. and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..." "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived.... ...and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."> He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "O.K." agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.

Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb.... up and up ....
up and up ...higher and higher ...
. below him the ship grew smaller ....
up and up ....
on and on ....
past a solitary albatross ....
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ....
on and on still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink....
and higher, ever higher ....
on and on .....
past our moon ....
and on ....
and mars ....
and on ....
higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt, and on and on towards the diving board, ... past the outer planets, until... ... finally ...... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System ... ... he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and he jumped . . slowly at first but speeding up faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the other outer planets through the asteroid belts past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster...past the albatross, faster double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL..........

SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping.... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen" The tramp blushed. The captain went on: "But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:

"Well you see.....
.I'm a poor tramp....
.so you must understand ....


I've been through many a hardship in my life"

Did you know that there's three kinds of people
- Those who know how to count and those who doesn't.

Dragon NaturallySpeaking, speech to text software from Nuance, has been enhanced with an add on library today. Existing users can upgrade to include Dragon NaturallySpeaking Mumble Edition for Unintelligible Voices. The announcement, made on April 1, 2010, can be seen here.

Saw this t-shirt one summer

I hear voices
- and they don't like you