How do you tell the difference between...
a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?'

UK Police Officer's Answer:
1. Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
2. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
3. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4. Could we run away?
5. Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
6. What does the law say about this situation?
7. Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
8. Is there a Health and Safety issue here?
9. Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
10. Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
11.Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
13. Should I call 9-9-9?
14. Why is this street so deserted?
15. We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour?
16. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
17. If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Australian Officer's Answer:

1) BANG!


American Officer's Answer:

1) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!

Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Dad! Were those Winchester Silver Tips?''

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmud scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and thought, "This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?
Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband.
Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken.
But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?
Kovacs.
But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be?
A doctorate from the University."
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir," answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad--

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, AIG, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citicorp, and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the ¼ ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids,"finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in
Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze
rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.
As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By
the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats
following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the
bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so
your back for the story".

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

Three women, whose husbands drove an SUV, a Tesla, and a Prius respectively, heard the voice of God. "Your husbands are driving the three most important vehicles in the world. But soon they will crash in a car accident." The wife of the SUV driver called her husband and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists; the bad news is you will soon crash your SUV." The Tesla driver's wife phoned and said, "I have two pieces of bad news: one is that God exists; the other is that you will soon crash your Tesla." The Prius wife called her husband and said, "I have two pieces of good news: one is that our Prius is among the three most important vehicles in the world; the other is that you won't see global warming in your lifetime!"