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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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RaymondFO
Veteran Cruncher USA Joined: Nov 30, 2004 Post Count: 561 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Exercise for People over 40
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface , where you have plenty of Room at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB potato sacks. Then try 50-LB potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I 'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds " Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Just a short one tonight , I am tired
When the waiter delivered a couple's meal at a Chinese restaurant, he also provided them with chopsticks. The wife made quite a show of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. She announced, "As an environmentalist, I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter admired her chopsticks and said, "Very beautiful. Ivory, aren't they?" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Stupid Questions from Cruise Ship Passengers
1. What time is the midnight buffet? 2. Does the ship generate its own electricity? 3. Do these stairs go up or down? 4. How do I work the microwave in my stateroom? (It’s a safe!) 5. Does this elevator take me to the back of the ship? 6. Do the crew sleep on board? 7. Will we see dolphins in the morning? 8. Can we look at the anchor? (When anchored!) 9. What will the weather be like next wednesday? (Erm - how long is a piece of string?!) 10. Can you move the lifeboat from our stateroom window?! 11. Has this ship ever sunk before? 12. Is the water in the toilet salt water or fresh water? 13. Which part of England are you from? Australia? 14. Ahh - you're from Melbourne...do you know David Smith? 15. Why does the ship not have cable? 16. (On formal night at Captain's Cocktail) Who's driving the boat? 17. Why are we not docked (urhhh... because there's no pier!!) 18. I'm claustrophobic... is there any chance of an upgrade? 19. Do the lifeboats really float? 20. Why am I standing in this line?? (Well I don't know buddy, why ARE you standing in this line??) 21. What do I do with my life jacket after boat drill? 22. Does this elevator go to deck 4? 23. Do these stairs go up? 24. Why isn't everything in the shops reduced on the last day of the cruise? 25. The orange pillows on my bed are so hard, can we get softer ones ? ( Ma'am, that will be your lifejacket ) |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there." The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is." "Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!" "Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Colombia. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is mishegoss!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeant's face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Three guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look." Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes." Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?" |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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JP...great material...lol
----------------------------------------"A guy calls the hospital. He says, 'You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!' The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?' He says, 'No! This is her husband!'" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
 A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns. The guy says, "Wow, it really works!" |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
----------------------------------------On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!' " |
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