Got the Munchies?

Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.

"OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.

"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."

"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"

Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.

Awwwwwwwww poor little guy!!! Thankfully he looks like he has a full recovery on the way <3

Rules For Women
Rules that guys wished women knew...
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
37. Don't make 50 rules when 37 will do.

Rules for Men
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

¡Adiós! ¡Hasta luego!

One abt Lawyers

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren't working ... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
3. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
4. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
5 How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
6. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you (A)-go to lunch or (B)-read the newspaper?
7 What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
8. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
9 What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
10. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
11. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
12. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
13. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
14. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
15. Why does NY have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

A plane crash occurred yesterday or the day before on the south side of Uddevalla, Sweden.
The news media labeled it as "Uddevalla Region's Worst Air Disaster."
The local news media is reporting:
"Uddevalla region's worst air disaster ever occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a church cemetery here early this morning."
"Håkan and Sven, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening."