It is with deep regret that we inform you of certain cost-cutting measures that will be taken in the coming days so that we can remain competitive. But first some good news. We are happy to report that Bring Your Child to Work Day has been renamed Bring Your Child to Do Work Day. We hope you will contribute unstintingly to the Gummy Bears Overtime Fund.
Now for the harsh realities. We will no longer be serving complimentary cold cuts and soda on Cold Cuts and Soda Day. Stairs will go up, but not down. Please do not use the fire extinguisher unless there is no water in the toilets. Anyone wishing to put out a medium-to-large fire must first fill out form X34J (if in stock). Mr. Johnson and Mr. Green, you will be sharing a desk chair, although you may keep separate desks. With regard to our annual retreat, spouses of non-management employees will be considered luggage. The letters “K,” “Q,” and “Z” are costly and should be used sparingly. Anyone who would like to volunteer for the human weather-stripping experiment, contact Nan Newberg. Also, as of next Wednesday, there will be no Wednesdays.
A number of you have asked about the employee-suggested programs that were implemented last year. While we were all heartened by their popularity—yay, associate assistants!—most of them will be suspended. These include: Kitten Appreciation Moment, Say Hello Day, and the Mandatory Toilet Paper in the Rest Rooms Policy. We are particularly saddened that elevator privileges for housekeeping will once again be on a pay-to-play basis. In order to maintain company morale, however, the mojito fountain in the executive lounge will continue to operate as usual.
The “Don’t Leave Your Coffee Cups on Joan Fulenwider’s Desk: It’s Not a Trash Can (Well, It Kind of Is!)” rule will remain in place, although, as of next week, Ms. Fulenwider will not. We are all sad to see Ms. Fulenwider go, but can we agree that this is a blessing in disguise, since, clearly, it is now or never for her as far as starting a family goes? Good luck, Joan, and kindly return the stapler on your way out.
Mr. Pepall, every day is now casual Friday for you. In fact, you don’t even have to bother getting out of bed. If time is money, mazel tov—you are now a rich man.
To those of you in Quality Control: As indicated by the new sign in your rest room, employees must wash their hands before not returning to work. If you don’t understand what that means, ask Mr. Pepall.
It has come to our attention that certain persons feel that executive-compensation packages have been unduly awarded. Management has zero tolerance for negativity. Moreover, now is not the time to play “the blame game.” In days like these, we must tighten our belts and be team players. Note: Anyone who received a signing bonus will be required to return it, posthaste, with interest. In fairness, senior V.P.s were asked to give back the income from last year’s exercised options, but they concluded that the calculation would be difficult and onerous.
Finally, we’d like to announce, with tremendous relief, that once Mr. Pepall and the folks in Quality Control go (and after Mr. Sonnenfeld is replaced with voice mail) no further layoffs are foreseen this quarter. From now on, however, we will operate as a “Stage 2 Company.” Anyone wishing to retain his or her job must therefore: (1) obtain an updated photo I.D. (available through Mr. Pepall) and (2) furnish your own salary.
Reminder to members of the Stage 2 Planning Committee: Please let us know whether you prefer swordfish or steak, aisle or window, silver or gold.
We believe these adjustments will result in a stronger, more resilient company. Just think: If every employee could give us merely half of his or her life savings, we would be on the road to a “solution mode”! So let’s put the bad times behind us and all move forward, except for the following persons (see attached).
Have a nice day. ♦

Before I begin, I’d like to apologize for sending a mass e-mail.

I’m writing because I’ve lost my cell phone, and I’d really appreciate it if each of you could reply to this message with your phone number, home address, and any other pertinent information I might need to get in touch with you. I kept all that information in the cell phone that I lost. I never wrote it down on a piece of paper or in a book, or backed it up on a computer, because cell phones are historically quite dependable, and not prone to getting lost or stolen—at least, not where I come from, a place where there is neither crime nor personal failure. I come from Iceland.

I’d also appreciate it if you could send me your e-mail address. I already have your e-mail address, which I’m using to send the e-mail you’re currently reading, but I plan to delete it from my memory after I’ve finished typing, because I really prefer to keep this sort of thing in my cell phone. I find that it frees up my “brain space” for other important things, like meditation and prayer and comparing and contrasting the prices and features of various cell phones.

If it’s not too much trouble, I’d also like to know your birthday, preferably with the year included. This is so I can send you one of those electronic birthday cards. I’ll send it to your e-mail address, which I plan to enter into my future cell phone before subsequently losing it in a public rest room. So, actually, what would be really helpful is if you could let me know your birthday, then wait three weeks, then send me your e-mail address, so that I can store it in my two-phones-in-the-future phone for use on your next birthday. This probably seems like a lot of work, but I want to assure you that it will be well worth it, because your electronic birthday card will feature music, and dancing cartoon animals, and a not insignificant amount of whimsy. It won’t be one of those tacky electronic birthday cards, where there’s a half-naked person holding a cupcake or an elderly person farting on Father Time.

I assume that it goes without saying that I’ll also need your bank-account numbers, and any PIN or routing numbers associated with those accounts. Of course, I will also need your Social Security number. You have correctly guessed that this is for the purpose of large-scale identity theft.

Finally, please send me your pets. Not pictures of your pets. Your actual pets.

In closing, I’d like to reiterate how sorry I am for sending a mass e-mail. I wish I could have contacted each of you in person—it’s been waaaay too long since most of us have hung out! But, as I may have already mentioned, I plan to lose my new cell phone almost immediately after I buy it, so I really look forward to contacting each of you individually when that happens. Even though I have never met any of you.

Very sincerely yours,

The author of this e-mail

*Sent from my iPhone. ♦

The Benefit Committee wishes to remind all Subscribers that the thrill for those pledging as much money as they can afford to attend this Gala Charity Event will always be outweighed by the shame felt by those pledging as little as possible. Please consult the Subscriber categories below.




GRAND PANJANDRUM’S DIAMOND CABAL

Non-mandatory attendance; arrival and departure via hot-air balloon; security-check waiver; sedan-chair intra-ballroom transportation; between-courses tableside bar service; tableware from the pantry of the court of Tsar Nicholas II; personal introductions to the five wealthiest attendees; main-course right of refusal; Prada 48-oz. doggie bag (baby giant squid/steak tartare order only); ejection of any two undesirable table companions; three-minute personal ribbing by Guest Speaker; armed female Libyan élite paramilitary bodyguards for duration of event.



CHAIRMAN’S GOLDEN COTERIE

Up to two pounds of beluga caviar for Subscriber and one guest during informal V.I.P. cocktail reception; elevated seating; shoe portion of security check waived; five hops during pre- and post-dinner table-hopping interludes; listing and photo in Our Favorite Lifetime Overachievers section of official event program; at least one English-speaking table companion; express roller-skating waiter service; take-home heated Sister Parish seat cushion; conviviality waiver; no alcoholic-beverage cutoff.



TREASURER’S SAPPHIRE COHORT

Complimentary kitchen tour during informal V.I.P. cocktail reception; take-home monogrammed linen table napkin; coat-check fee waived; souvenir leather-bound official event program, with tassel; name in boldface type in official event program; complete set of table cutlery; dinner served warm.



ZIRCON CRONY

Complimentary basket of hard rolls; chair; reduced-rate ad purchase in official event program; one complimentary take-home flower from table arrangement; spouse seated at separate table; waiter service; choice of main course or dessert; use of any two eating utensils (at waiter’s discretion).



BRUSHED-ALUMINUM MOTLEY

Sandwich; unlimited water-glass refills; simulated autograph of Guest of Honor on cover of official event program; preferred coat-check queue position; use of rest room (depending on key availability); partially unobstructed head-table view.



HUDDLED MASSES

Complimentary official event program (depending on supply at conclusion of event).

Maybe Harold , where are you btw ...
We are on our way to your planet. We will be there shortly. But in this, our first contact with you, our “headline” is: We do not want your gravel.
We are coming to Earth, first of all, just to see if we can actually do it. Second, we hope to learn about you and your culture(s). Third—if we end up having some free time—we wouldn’t mind taking a firsthand look at your almost ridiculously bountiful stores of gravel. But all we want to do is look.
You’re probably wondering if we mean you harm. Good question! So you’re going to like the answer, which is: We mean you no harm. Truth be told, there is a faction of us who want to completely annihilate you. But they’re not in power right now. And a significant majority of us find their views abhorrent and almost even barbaric.
But, thanks to the fact that our government operates on a system very similar to your Earth democracy, we have to tolerate the views of this “loyal opposition,” even while we hope that they never regain power, which they probably won’t (if the current poll tracking numbers hold up).
By the way, if we do take any of your gravel, it’s going to be such a small percentage of your massive gravel supply that you probably won’t even notice it’s gone.
You may be wondering how we know your language. We are aware that there’s a theory on your planet that we (or other alien species from the far reaches of the galaxy) have been able to learn your language from your television transmissions. This is not the case, because most of us don’t really watch TV. Most of our knowledge about your Earth TV comes from reading Zeitgeisty think pieces by our resident intellectuals, who watch it not for fun but for ideas for their print articles about how Earth TV holds a mirror up to Earth society, and so on. We mean, we’ll watch Earth TV sometimes—if it happens to be on already—but, generally, we prefer to read a good book or revive the lost art of conversation.
Sadly, Earth TV is like a vast wasteland, as the Earthling Newton Minow once said. But, for those of you who can understand things only in TV terms, just think of us as being very similar to Mork from Ork, in that he was a friendly, non-gravel-wanting alien who visited Earth just to find out what was there, and not to harvest gravel.
Speaking of a vast wasteland, you might want to start picking out and clearing off a place for our spacecraft to land. Our spacecraft, as you will see shortly, is huge. Do not be alarmed; this does not mean that each one of us is that much bigger than each one of you. It’s just that there were so many of us who wanted to come that we had to build a really huge spacecraft.
So, again, no cause for alarm.
(Full disclosure: each of us actually is much bigger than each of you, and there’s nothing we can do about it. So please don’t use any of your Earth-style discrimination against us. This is just how we are, and it’s not our fault.)
Anyway, re our spacecraft: it’s kind of gigantic. The deceleration thrusters alone are sort of, like . . . well, imagine four of your Vesuvius volcanoes (but bigger), turned upside down.
We don’t want to hurt anyone, so, if you could just clear off one continent, we think we can keep unintended fatalities to a minimum. Australia would probably work. (But don’t say Antarctica. Because we’d just melt it, and then you’d all end up underwater. Which would make it virtually impossible for us to learn about your hopes and your dreams, and your culture, and to harvest relatively small, sample-size amounts of your gravel, just for scientific study.)
As far as protocol goes, we’re a pretty informal species. If you want to put together a welcoming ceremony with all your kings and queens and Presidents and Prime Ministers and leading gravel-owners, that’s fine. But please don’t feel like you have to.
Technically, it would be possible for us to share our space-travel technology with you, so that you could build a spacecraft and travel to our planet also. But, for right now, it just feels like it would be better if we came to your place.
Speaking of gravel, one thing we can’t tell from our monitoring of Earth is how your gravel tastes. It’s just something we’re curious about, for no real reason. Is it salty? It looks salty.
Maybe you could form a commission of scientists/gravel-tasters to look into this and let us know. Just have them collect all the gravel you have and put it in one big pile. (There are some pretty big empty parts of Utah, New Mexico, and Russia that might be good spots for such a large gravel pile, but that’s just an F.Y.I.)
Then, if you could have your top scientists/gravel-tasters go through this gravel pile, tasting each and every piece, that would be great. Also, if it’s not too much of a hassle, have them put all the saltier-tasting pieces in a separate pile.
Anyway, that about wraps up this transmission! Looking forward to seeing you very soon. (Sorry we couldn’t have given you more notice)
Our E.T.A. on Earth is sometime in the next four hundred and fifty to five hundred years, which we know is a blink of an eye in your Earth time, so start getting ready! Let’s have fun with this.
Yours,
A Species from a Galaxy You Haven’t Even Noticed Yet
P.S.—We saw that you sent some people to your moon recently. Good job! But, just to let you know, don’t waste your time with the moon. There’s no gravel there. We already checked. ♦

One day,long,long ago,a young man decided to pursue a military career. His preference from the three services was the Air Force. When he went to the recruiting office,the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade.
"I am a Glugmaker",the young man replied. The officer,who had never heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of aviation trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. "I'm sorry" he said to the young man,"we don't appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment,why don't you try the Army or the Navy ?"
So the young man,disappointed at the news,went around to the Army recruiting office.The recruiting officer asked him if he had a profession or trade, to which the young man replied "I am a Glugmaker". The officer,who had never heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of Army trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. " I'm sorry" he said to the young man," we don't appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment,why don't you try the Air force or the Navy ?"
"I've already tried the Air Force" said the young man,by this time feeling very exasperated,"I guess I'll have to try the Navy",and off he went to the Navy recruiting office. When he arrived,the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade.
For the third time he responded,"I am a Glugmaker" The officer,who had never heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of naval trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. Not wanting to appear a fool in front of a civilian for not knowing what a Glugmaker was,he decided to call his superior for advice. Unfortunately,his superior also did not know what a Glugmaker was and so he told the recruiting officer to advise the young man to try one of the other forces.
"But I have already tried them both and they do not have any vacancies" said the young man,"it's a very specialised trade you know" On hearing this,the officer decided,just in case,to contact his superior again.On learning of the very specialised nature of Glugmaking,the superior,who was only a Captain, decided to take the matter to an even higher level.In the meantime,he instructed the recruitment officer to send the young man away until they had obtained further advice from higher echelons of the Navy.The young man,after leaving his name,address and telephone number,returned to his home to await further developments. Meanwhile, the Navy Captain, who was looking to further his career, organised a team to investigate what a Glugmaker did. His team could not, however,find any records of Glugmaking in any of their files. He telephoned one of his aquaintances in the Air Force to see if he could obtain the information, but , when he asked, the aquaintance, never having heard of a Glugmaker and not wanting to seem stupid, replied "I'm very sorry, but that is classified information and so I am not allowed to tell you"
Feeling by now very desperate, the Captain called another aquaintance in the Air Force. Again, when he asked the question, he received the same reply "I'm sorry, but that is classified information and I am not allowed to tell you"
With that, the Captain decided that he would really have to take the matter to higher authorities.He called his superior, a Vice Admiral and explained about the Glugmaker wanting to enlist and how he could not find out what a Glugmaker did. The Vice Admiral, not wanting to be bothered with what he considered to be a trivial matter, said to the Captain, "Why don't you send him away to the Army or Air Force recruitment centre and get rid of him ?"
The Captain explained that the Glugmaker had already tried both of the other forces and found that they did not have any vacancies.On hearing this, the Vice Admiral replied "Well, if they don't want him, why should we take him ?"
The Captain then told the Vice Admiral of his calls to his associates in the Army and Air Force. "When I called them" he said, they both told me that information about Glugmakers was classified and that they could not tell me anything about it" "The Glugmaker also told me that his was a very specialised trade" he added, "The Army and the Air Force obviously must already have one and so don't need another and that is why they sent him to us" On hearing this, the Vice Admiral responded "Well, if they already have one, and the trade is so specialised, why don't we have one?"
The Captain of course, did not have an answer to this and could only apologise to the Vice Admiral for his lack of knowledge."Should I contact the Glugmaker and sign him up ?" he said. The Vice Admiral, being very careful of his position,replied "Not yet, I will have to run this past the Admiral of the fleet before we make a final decision"
The next day, the Vice Admiral called the Admiral of the fleet and told him the whole story. The Admiral, who considered that the Navy was the cream of the armed forces, willingly agreed with the Vice Admiral that the Navy should have it's own Glugmaker, so much so that he instructed the Vice Admiral to not only recruit the Glugmaker, but to base him exclusively on the pride of the fleet, the Admiral's own battleship. The Vice Admiral called the Captain, who, in turn, called the recruiting officer and instucted him to enlist the Glugmaker as soon as possible and have him report to the Admiral's vessel with all his equipment.The recruiting officer contacted the Glugmaker and advised him of the good news.
A few days later, after the Glugmaker had been enlisted and issued with his kit, he turned up at the wharf together with a very large truck. "Glugmaker reporting for duty, sir" he said to the officer of the watch. "Welcome aboard" said the officer, "We have been expecting you, what do you have in the truck ?" "That is all my gear and equipment" replied the Glugmaker, "I will need some help getting it on board" The officer arranged a work party to carry all the equipment aboard and stow it in a lower hold,the only place large enough to hold all the gear.
The next day, the battleship left port for sea manouvres and, once safely at sea, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge. "Now, Glugmaker, when are you going to start work ?" he said. "I will have to start right away" said the Glugmaker. "It is very time consuming and I must have complete privacy until everything is ready"
The Admiral instructed all his officers to make sure that the Glugmaker had everything he needed, a spacious area to work, and told them to ensure that the Glugmaker had complete privacy.
With that, the Glugmaker departed to the lower hold where his equipment had been stored and began work.
For the next few days, except for a few occasions when he sent for the odd tool or two, or maybe some additional materials, nothing was seen of the Glugmaker except at meal times.He kept hard at work and didn't even issue progress reports.
After he had been working for a week, the Admiral called him once again to the bridge. "How is your work going down there ?" he asked. "Very well indeed sir" replied the Glugmaker."Well, when are we going to see some results ?" asked the Admiral. "It's difficult to say at the moment sir" replied the Glugmaker, "but it should not be too much longer" The Glugmaker then returned to work.
Another week went by and by this time the Admiral was becoming quite upset by the delay and so ,once again, he called the Glugmaker to the bridge."Look here my man, this Glugmaking has been going on for far too long,when is it going to be finished ?" he said. The Glugmaker replied "Just a couple more days sir, and then it will be ready" "Very well" said the Admiral, "I will give you until Thursday at 1700 hours to complete your task"
"Oh, I promise it will be completed by then sir" replied the Glugmaker, and then returned to work.
He worked far into the night for the next two days to ensure thet his work would be finished on time.
At 1700 hours on the Wednesday, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge once again and asked him if his work was finished. "Yes sir" the Glugmaker replied, "It is at last finished and ready to be put into action"
"What do you need then" asked the Admiral. "All I need for the next few hours sir, is a work crew to help bring the equipment on deck and assemble it, we could then have a demonstration first thing in the morning when it will be daylight" replied the Glugmaker.
The Admiral arranged for the work party and the Glugmaker led them into the hold to start work.
The first piece that was brought onto deck was an enormous box, which the Glugmaker very carefully had set in place and aligned exactly in the centre of the deck. The next piece was a box of similar design but a little smaller which was placed on top of the first box, again exactly in the centre.
All throught the night, the work crew kept bringing up boxes, each one a little smaller than the previous one, and all of which were stacked onto each other, exactly in the centre.
At about 0500 in the morning, the Glugmaker said " O.K. crew, that's the final one,let's knock off and get some sleep before daylight when we have the demonstration" With a sigh of relief, they all went to their bunks where they fell asleep immediately.
When daybreak came, the Glugmaker was awoken and told to report to the Admiral. When he reported, the Admiral aked him if he was ready for the demonstration. The Glugmaker replied, "Well sir, I would appreciate some breakfast first as the crew and I worked all night getting things ready". The Admiral agreed and ordered the Glugmaker to report an hour later, ready to go to work.
An hour later, feeling much refreshed after a hearty breakfast, the Glugmaker reported once more to the Admiral. "Well sir",he said, "Everything seems to be in order and I am ready to go" "At last" said the Admiral "We have waited a long time for this, what do we need to do now?".
"To take full advantage of this" said the Glugmaker, "I need every member of the crew, with the exception of people who cannot really leave their posts, assembled on deck to await instructions"
The Admiral issued the order to have all non critical personnel assemble on the deck near the structure built by the Glugmaker and , when they were assembled, he and the Glugmaker went to the assembled crew. The Glugmaker adressed the crew and explained what was needed to be done when he gave the order. "Immediately when the order is given" said the Glugmaker, " I will need the entire crew to run right around the deck from stem to stern, until the order is given to halt" He emphasised the criticality of all personnel starting and stopping at the same time until he was satisfied that the crew fully understood.
Finally, he turned to the Admiral and said "Sir, would you do the honours and give the order ?" The Admiral gave the order and the crew immediately started running around the deck.Once he was satisfied with the speed of the runners, the Glugmaker went to the stern of the ship and, taking out a hole saw, he cut a hole right in the centre of the stern scuppers. When he was satisfied with the size and smoothness of the hole, he went to the base of the structure he had erected the previous night and began to climb.
Up and up he went until he got to the very top. Pausing there, he surveyed the length and breadth of the ship and the crew running around the deck.
Satisfied with their progress, he reached into his pocket and took out a golf ball. With great care, he placed it on top of the highest box in the structure which was just the right size to enable the Glugmaker to balance the golf ball on the top.
Returning to the deck where the Admiral was waiting, he once more surveyed the situation.
Due to the number of crew running around the deck, the ship was developing quite a roll, obviously caused by the weight of the crew as they went from one side of the ship to the other.The roll caused the towering structure to move from side to side and the golf ball at the very top to roll around on the very topmost box.When the ball had developed a smooth roll, the Glugmaker turned to the Admiral and said,"Sir, on the count of three, please order the crew to halt". "Very well",said the Admiral. At that, the Glugmaker counted, "One, Two, Three". At the count of three, the Admiral, in his loudest voice, called "Halt". The crew, being extremely well disciplined, came to an immediate stop, all on one side of the ship.
This caused the ship to list all to the one side and of course, the towering structure also leaned to the same side.
With the crew coming to such a sudden stop, and because of the list to one side, the golf ball, which had been smoothly rolling around the top of the uppermost box,suddenly popped over the rim of the box and started bouncing down the tower. Down and down it came, bouncing from one level to the other until it reached the deck. Once on the deck, because of the angle of the deck, the golf ball ran straight into the scuppers and started rolling towards the stern. Everyone's gaze was fixed on the golf ball as they watched it gather speed. It rolled and rolled until it reached the very stern and, because of the hole that the Glugmaker had made, it shot straight out over the sea. Out and out it went until, because of it's lack of speed and the law of gravity, it fell
down,
down,
down
into
the
sea
and
went
...............GLUG !