Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Some dinner guests were discussing life. One man, a CEO, explained the problem with education: "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher? You know what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.' " He turned to a guest and said, "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?" Bonnie replied, "You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 minutes without an iPod, GameBoy or movie rental. I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them have respect. I make them take responsibility for their actions. I teach them to write and then I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them show their work in math. I make them use their brains. I make students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity. I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe. I make my students stand and place their hand over their heart when they say the Pledge of Allegiance. I make them understand that if they use their gifts, work hard, and follow their heart, they can succeed in life. And then, when people try to judge me by my salary, because I know money isn't everything, I hold my head up high and ignore their ignorance. So what do I make? I make a difference! And what do you make, Mr. CEO?" There was no response.

Olympic Try Outs

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy! grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Barack was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Barack jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Hillary Clinton was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Hillary pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Hillary yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Hillary slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

In a murder trial...

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.