THE RED HEAD...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket, toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you, so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a "nightcap", and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time. More than he had ever dreamed was possible.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you're the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . . . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas
to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled
out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a
candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter
said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're
bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly
gates".

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

:P

Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary" by Henry Bread and Roy McKie

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
* Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs.
* Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
* Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
* Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
* When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Some cow investation:

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'

Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.

What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator

Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry

Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat

What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Moo- moos

What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work