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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Age-Old Riddle
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong? |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A woman phoned an Indian restaurant and asked, "Do you deliver?" The man on the phone replied, "No, we do chicken, lamb, beef, tofu..."
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Consumer labels
----------------------------------------In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down. On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On the back of an envelope from the RSPCA: Please don't just put our letter in the recycling bin before reading it. On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. Inside a flat pack: Do not use sharp knives to open pack. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." On any container of sugar free edibles: "Carbohydrates 0% of which sugars 0%" (I blame the regulations for that one) On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Caution: You may lose unwanted weight! Is the South Beach Diet right for you? [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Nov 27, 2007 11:49:24 AM] |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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7 Dwarves
----------------------------------------The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. "Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!" For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine. "Vote for Hillary, Vote for Hillary." Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, "Oh, thank you God! At least Dopey is still alive!  |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Moths
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you." "Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the heck are you?" the man asks "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise! "Those little backstuds!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Life's most important questions
----------------------------------------Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? Aren't all generalisations false? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Can birds grow from birdseed? Do one-legged ducks swim in circles? Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval? How can there be self-help groups? If you could make a universal solvent, where would you keep it? How do they get the deer to cross at those yellow signs? How do you know when green cheese goes bad? Who knows when you run out of invisible ink? If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success? If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar, do you believe him? If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his profits? [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Nov 30, 2007 12:28:33 PM] |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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*Tracing Family*
----------------------------------------Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam in California ------------------------------------------ Dear Sam: Yes. Run for public office. Abby |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
----------------------------------------It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Sh*t," said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center. |
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Sekerob
Ace Cruncher Joined: Jul 24, 2005 Post Count: 20043 Status: Offline |
Oh Oh,
----------------------------------------There was the 85 year who'd married a gorgeous 22 year girl checking in at the Hyatt's bridal suite. Next morning, 7:15 the 85 year old, no bride, walks into the breakfast room all chirpy, whistling in suit and tie, shaven and groomed ordering full English breakfast, triple scrambled eggs, the works. The waiter asking if he'd had a good rest was answered that he'd had wonderful night. Come lunchtime the bride struggles into the lunchroom, looking all messed up and exhausted. The head waiter, always concerned and social, asked the lady what if there was anything wrong. She responded: "My husband told me he'd been saving for it all his life".
WCG
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