Just an E-mail Note

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Downing Street, January 2008:
Gordon Brown is in deep despair, sitting with his head in his hands.

Ed Balls asks what's the matter.

GB: "According to the newspapers, every single thing I do is wrong. Not one single good news story in six months. What can I do?

EB: "Well, the papers love human interest stories. Particularly stories that are about animals. I'll see what I can rustle up."

Ed Ball comes back next day.

EB: "Here's a great one. It'll cost quite a lot, but we've found a bloke with an absolutely amazing dog that can actually walk on water. He's willing to sell it to you at a price."

Gordon agrees the price, musing ruefully that if only he hadn't sold all those gold reserves, he could have effectively got it for less than a third the price he had to pay. But still, it's only tax-payers' money.

Next day they arrange a press conference by the lake in St. James' Park. All the main scribes are there.

Gordon takes the dog to the edge of the lake, picks up a stick and throws it about 50 feet across the lake into the water.

The dog daintily tiptoes out from the edge on top of the water and walks on top of the water all the way across to the stick and retrieves it without even getting his ankles wet.

"Well at least that's got to get us a good write-up", says Ed to Gordon.

Next day, they can hardly wait to open the newspapers.

And the Daily Mail has the screaming headline:

"GORDON BROWN'S DOG CAN'T SWIM"

Ed, an unemployed jazz drummer (or is that redundant?), was desperate, for a gig when he ran into his former agent. The agent said, "Ed, there are fantastic opportunities for drummers over in Iraq. Here, take my card, find someway to get over there, and look up a bandleader named Faisal. He's always got work!" Ed bummed money from everyone he knew, got his passport, visas, transportation, shipped his drums, and was on his way. When he arrived in Baghdad, he finally found Faisal and, sure enough, as soon as Ed showed him the agent's card, Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time -- I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." "Okay," agreed Ed. "But what about a rehearsal?" "No time -- don't worry. They just play standards." Ed arrived a half hour early to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who played instruments he had never before seen. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared, hopped on the bandstand and raised his arm to give the downbeat. Ed shouted, "What are we playing?" Faisal replied, "Fake it! Just give me a fat backbeat on 7 and 13!"

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"