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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Remote Control
At a nursing home where I worked several years ago, a nurse on frequent evening duty had bought a VCR in order to tape some of the shows she missed while at work. However, she had some trouble programming it -- not once had it taped anything -- so she asked if I could help her. She would bring the remote and the instruction manual with her the next evening. On a break the following evening I walked her through programming her VCR, and she repeatedly said that she had done exactly like I showed her, but it still hadn't taped anything. I was a bit mystified, so I handed her the remote and asked her to show me how she programmed it. She looked in the evening's TV listing, found a show she wanted to tape, and pressed all the right buttons on the remote, just as she was supposed to do, if she wanted to set the VCR correctly. And then she asked me: "So when I get home, it will have taped the show, right?" Her home was about 15 miles from the nursing home. I politely explained her that it was probably outside the remote control's range, and if she programmed her VCR before leaving for work, it might help. It did. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Nice one JP.
 A man to his friend: My Wife is an Angel!!! Friend: Oh man, mine is still ALIVE!!!! |
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Sekerob
Ace Cruncher Joined: Jul 24, 2005 Post Count: 20043 Status: Offline |
(For all the jokes denigrating women)
----------------------------------------The wrong husband A woman goes to a party and leaves her husband at home to watch the football game. At the party the bartender recognized her wedding ring on the wrong finger so he ask her "Why is your wedding ring on the wrong finger mam?" "Well you don’t miss a thing do you and your right it is, and it’s because I married the wrong man!" .... and on sports Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. ..... whilst the rumour being that a man never grows up Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
WCG
----------------------------------------Please help to make the Forums an enjoyable experience for All! [Edit 1 times, last edit by Sekerob at Oct 22, 2007 7:08:24 PM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door. "See how devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.Why don't you do that?" "I'd love to," replied her husband, "but wouldn't he'd get mad?" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Moms and Their Snooping
----------------------------------------Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!" "It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!" "Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!" [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Oct 25, 2007 6:31:53 PM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
My Love: Yesterday, as I passed your rectangular house on Trigonometric Lane, I saw your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes standing in your triangular garden. Before that, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude from your eyes (at a deviation of theta radians) made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love is a quadratic equation with real roots which only you can solve by a binary relation with me. The cosine of my love extends to infinity. I shall not resolve you into partial functions but, if I do, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, meet me at Parabola Restaurant on date 10 when the sun's angle is 160 degrees (sunset) and my heart will be a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love, from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function, your ever-loving Pythagoras.
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Syntax error.
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Man With No Ears
----------------------------------------A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate. "Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the first candidate. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate. "Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the second candidate. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate. "Yes. You're wearing contacts." Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears." [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Oct 25, 2007 6:30:31 PM] |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Joe, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
----------------------------------------He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Joe and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Joe says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Joe placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Joe, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money." Joe replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Joe took the money. Duh! |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Eagles Mate for Life
----------------------------------------Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot Dead! Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE, I want to Love! I am a DOVE, I want to love! Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK, so he brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was... well ... you know ... No ..... the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!! The Duck said, I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!  |
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