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Re: The Jokes Thread

Love at First Sight

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''

''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''
[Sep 28, 2007 6:04:20 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
[Sep 30, 2007 12:27:27 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Old Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
[Sep 30, 2007 6:50:18 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
[Oct 1, 2007 2:27:15 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Peanuts, popcorn!

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, "They accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami."

And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
[Oct 1, 2007 4:08:54 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed. After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied. “Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”
[Oct 2, 2007 11:55:54 AM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Hillbillies

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"
[Oct 3, 2007 6:16:42 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"
d oh
[Oct 3, 2007 10:43:34 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Old Irish joke

There once were two Irishmen, named Sean and Patrick, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Sean would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"

Faintly, Sean replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Paddy," Sean strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Paddy, I do," whispered Sean.

"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Sean, briskly.

"Well Sean, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
[Oct 4, 2007 12:36:49 PM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
Czech Zidane
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the
expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining
about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be
much lower."

My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying
an airline just to get free peanuts."
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[Oct 5, 2007 2:22:45 AM]   Link   Report threatening or abusive post: please login first  Go to top 
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