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Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh**." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The following are highlights from First Lady Laura Bush's remarks at the 2005 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner:
"I am married to the President of the United States and here is our typical evening. Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I am watching Desperate Housewives. With Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentleman, I am a desperate housewife. I mean if those women on that show think they're desperate, they ought to be with George." "One night after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendales. I wouldn't even mention it except Ruth Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor saw us there. I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service codename is now Dollar Bill." "George always says that he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He's usually in bed by now. I'm not kidding. I said to him the other day, George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later." "George and I are complete opposites — I'm quiet, he's talkative, I'm introverted, he's extroverted, I can pronounce 'nuclear.'" "The amazing thing is that George and I were just meant to be. I was a librarian who spent 12 hours a day in the library, yet somehow I met George." "People often wonder what my mother-in-law is really like. People think she's a sweet, grandmotherly Aunt Bee type. She's actually more like Don Corleone." "I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse." "George's answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw. Which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
----------------------------------------He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant. After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive. The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?" The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million darn pigeons!" edited for language...cih   [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Oct 19, 2007 12:10:11 PM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Was the scientist's name "Pygmaleon?" Rosenthal and Jackobsen (1968) did an experiment on the pygmaleon effect. Don't know which statue was their Galatea.
----------------------------------------[Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Oct 17, 2007 10:45:37 PM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A husband and wife were waiting in the consultation room when the doctor entered. "And what seems to be the problem, Mrs. Smith?" "My husband worries constantly about money." The doctor absentmindedly replied, "Ah, I think we can relieve him of that!"
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Aerial hitch-hike
The pilot on a small plane announced that the plane was going to crash and it's every man for himself. The pilot and co-pilot then grabbed two parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The four passengers, an old priest, a 10 year old boy, a brain surgeon and an attorney, ran to the storage area for the remaining parachutes -- there were only three left. The brain surgeon said, "There is only one other doctor in the world that can perform the type of surgery I do, and I can save thousands of lives, I'm too needed to die" -- so he grabbed a pack and jumped. The attorney then pushed aside the priest and the 10 year old, grabbed a pack and explained, "Since I am an attorney, my life should be saved because I have superior knowledge and intelligence and am very much needed to advise all the thousands of people less brillant than me", and then he jumped. The old priest turned to the young boy and said, "Son, take the last parachute, I have had a full life and am at peace with my Maker, you have your whole life to live yet". The young boy was shaking his head "no" -- Don't worry Father, he said, "we both will be ok -- you know that guy who said he had superior knowledge and intelligence -- well, instead of grabbing a parachute pack, he grabbed my backpack!" |
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