One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the
dog says to the bartender "I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk".
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress.
So the bartender lays down ten dollars, the dog grabs it
and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog. He finds him
in a back alley with a french poodle. The owner says to his
dog "What are you doing? You've never done that before."
The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars before."

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the heck and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

edited for language...cih

There's Something Wrong with my Ear

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my d***," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't p*** out of it," the man replied!

Not the President

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man sat on the same park bench, waited for the same marine to appear, approached the White House and said to him, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Looking Better and Better

Two fellows have been at the bar now for quite a while, downing several mugs with abandon. They both look at the far end of the bar, in the direction of an unattractive woman who came in a while back.

The first fellow looks back at the second fellow and says, "Ya know, that woman is looking better and better, isn't she?"

The second fellow takes another look at the woman, then looks back at his friend and says, "well, I guess what they say is true, then, eh?"

The first fellow asks, "Well, what DO they say?" The second fellow answers, "Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder!"