I Bet You Can't...

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you a hundred dollars I can bite my eye." The bartender agrees, so the man takes out his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that I can bite my other eye. The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house." The man asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars that I can blow the froth off my beer into that bottle over there without moving from here." The bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins blowing all over the bartender who laughs again. The bartender says, "You better pay up now, you just took a bad bet." The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those guys over there a thousand bucks that i can spill my beer all over you and still make you laugh."

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone."

The second shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone."

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, " No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator."

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, " A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other"

"WAIT ! interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he sh** ?"

The reply was simply," He don't, that's what makes him so mean".

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

Buy some Grapes and Some Doughnuts

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

You know you work in the 00's if...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your CV is on a CD in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your redundancy on the Sky News Website.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

You work 200 hours for the £100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every office.

Your boss' favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your office.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.