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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
 Nice one too. A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Wow!
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip... ... with you." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
 nice one.The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”  |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Cocoa Nut
A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk apologizes and says that they are out of chocolate and asks her if she'd like to choose a different flavor. The customer says, "Sure, just give me chocolate, please." The clerk again apologizes, and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there another flavor that I can get for you?" The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate." The clerk, extremely annoyed now, tells the woman, "Spell VAN as in vanilla." The woman spells out, "V-A-N." "Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry." The woman spells out, "S-T-R-A-W." "Okay," says the clerk, "Now spell BLOOM as in Chocolate." The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Wait - there's no 'BLOOM' in 'chocolate!'" And the Clerk replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Everyone wins
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Things Not to Hear During Surgery:
Darn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? |
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Sgt.Joe
Ace Cruncher USA Joined: Jul 4, 2006 Post Count: 7562 Status: Recently Active Project Badges: 
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This is an old one.
----------------------------------------Two not very bright couterfeiters make a slight error in the bills they are printing and print $18 bills instead of $20 bills. They do figure out they will most likely be unable to pass these in the city as somebody might notice they are out of the ordinary, so they figure they will go to an isolated area and try. They find a small store out in the middle of no place, walk in and want to know if they can get change for one of their $18 bills. At first the clerk does not say anything and just waits staring at them. One of them gets a little flustered and asks again for change. The clerk is now a litlle annoyed and tells them the reason he is waiting is because they did not tell him if they wanted their change in two $9 dollar bills or three $6 dollar bills. Cheers
Sgt. Joe
*Minnesota Crunchers* |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes. "Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent. "Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the <$*"/!!!> off our car!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
I don't understand it, doctor. My weight is just out of control," said Mrs Smith. "I've gained over 70 pounds in the last two months. Why, just yesterday, my husband called me a Fat Cow!"
"Well," said the doctor, "I'm sure that we can find a cause for this. Let's begin with an examination. Stick out your tongue and say 'Mooo.' " |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
 A fellow is trying out his new sports car; driving at 80 mph he sees a state patrol car in his mirror; he drives faster to 95 mph...the police car is right behind him; brings it up to 110 mph and the police car is right on his tail...finally, he stops; the trooper comes up to his car as asks "what's your story" the trooper continues; every time I stop someone going as fast as you were, they have some kind of story. He tells the trooper; "actually, I have a story but you wouldn't believe it" the trooper says "try me"...He then tells the trooper: "three months ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper...I thought you were him bringing her back!! |
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