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Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..." The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes. The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?" |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”
----------------------------------------“Mrs. Ward, please.” “Speaking.” “Mrs. Ward, this is Dr. Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, another biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible.” “What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously. “Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which one is your husband’s.” That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?” “Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.” “Well, what am I supposed to do now?” “The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.” |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs decided to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle. After twelve years, they had set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye.
The German church had sent out their best man, Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming, complete with shouts, curses, and rending of garments. Each time, he screamed so loud that he sent the dogs running for cover. And each time, he left with a warning that the next time he visited, the idol had better be torn down. The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner, received a message that Werks would be coming to visit again in a fortnight. He quickly called a meeting with his top commanders. All five agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol still standing. "But," said Commander Brickner, "there's nothing to be done. If we take down the idol, we will anger the local tribe, and without their cooperation we're dead." His second-in-command, Herr Kommandant Wagner said, "In that case, we'd better make sure we put the dogs away." "Why?" "You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Surprise Package
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??" "Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!" So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says. "Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey. "Is it your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved. "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!" "Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Eighteen Double Vodkas
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
 Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks. After a couple of miles, one of them says, "Man, all these steps are killing me!" The other drunk replies, "It's not all these steps; it's these darned low handrails!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mum found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him." "Yes," Mum replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes." Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him." But Mum was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage." With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "His cage?! Oh, no! Danny?!! We thought you said Daddy!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . . 1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. 4. Then analyze the situation: a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering. d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management. k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management. m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.  |
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