A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

A woman had just gotten out of the shower and was standing in front of the mirror inspecting her body. Her husband walks in and notices she seems a bit depressed so he asks what is wrong. She replies, "I want bigger breasts! Three kids and gravity have taken their toll and I need a boob job."

The husband dryly states, "Just rub a piece of toilet paper between your breasts every day for the next year or so."

The wife, who is almost in shock from a suggestion so ridiculous sarcastically retorts “how on Earth is rubbing toilet paper between my breasts every day going to make them bigger?”

The husband says, “I have no idea, but it seems to have worked on your ass.”

"I'm on a Valium diet. I take three for
breakfast and the rest of the day the food
keeps falling out of my mouth."

Just thought that I would pass this along, interesting!!!
> Subject: keep your tongues where they belong!
>
>
>
> I used to work for an envelope company. Our plant supervisor used to work in
> the Chicago plant and told us not to lick the envelopes because they would
> often find dead rats at the bottom of the glue barrel (after thousands of
> envelopes had been glued and shipped).
> EEWW!
> ------------------------------------------------------
> I work in a factory and we have 2 employees who used to work in an envelope
> factory. They told me that when the machine jams up, they use whatever water is
> handy to thin out the glue. This includes water that they just mopped the
> floor with. Since then, I've avoided licking envelopes...
>
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------
>
> 1.) If you lick your envelopes... You won't anymore!!!
> A woman was working in a post office in California. One day ! she licked the
> envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the
> lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal
> swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, but they found nothing wrong.. Her
> tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to
> swell more, and it began to get so sore, that she could not eat.
>
> She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor
> took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor
> surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!! There
> were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside
> of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...
> This is a true story reported on CNN.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> 2.) Andy Hume wrote: "Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You
> wouldn't believe the things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I
> haven't licked an envelope for years!"
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> 3.) To All: I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told
> NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into
> storage and pull out 2500 envelops that were already printed for a customer who
> was doing a mailing and saw several squads of roaches roaming around inside a
> couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes. I
> think print shops have a harder time controlling roaches than a restaurant. I
> always buy the self-sealing type. Or if need be, I use a glue stick to seal one
> that has the type of glue that needs to be wet to stick.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> PLEASE PASS THIS ON, if you like YOUR FRIENDS. After reading this you will
> never lick another envelope or stamp ever again.
> Have a nice day, & keep your tongues where they belong!

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking ..... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo , what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but people shake hands. Dogs sniff butts!

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

So just ease off 'cause we both know who's the boss around here!!!

"Oh, really?" Yeah, really. You never see me picking up your poop, now do you ???