Hello Graham As you can probably tell i am very slow. I have just read your jokes they

Hi Stuart
Go get us some good British Humour and post it in here

Hi Stuart
You have surpassed yourself mate
That is what I call cowoperation my friend
That was cowing good
Cowincidently where did you find it
Your Friend and Team Mate

Just another one from my archive:

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations
some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity,
and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more
will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no
greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive
at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to
an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be
aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the
number of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required.
Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold,
pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a
refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made
of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled
with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your
bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency
comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let
me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is
a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for
a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be
billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised
to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

How do you swim a 100m in 2 seconds?

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swim over a waterfall !