You Are Welcome To Post A Funny Joke Here For The Benefit Of All

Please Keep Them Clean!

Here Are A Few To Start Things Off

Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying. If you were,
ZAP! it would suck you in and you were gone forever.
One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror.
The old lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.
The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too, disappeared.
The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."
ZAP!

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview.
Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly.
The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult.
Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. "Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How?" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.

A man was leaving a coffee shop with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull terrier on a leash.
Behind him were 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't contain his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time
to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well the first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her ."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Could I borrow the dog?"
"Get in the queue, " the man replied.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me." and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.
After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be?
You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500.
And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all.
That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old.
Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills.
He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.
"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar, "I'm gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then,
the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."
With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that
they'd found his horse for him.
As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.
"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"
The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

At Duke University there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of
Virginia and party with some friends there.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately,
they had a flat tyre on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points.
It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room,
"this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tyre?

A man escapes from the prison where he has been for fifteen years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict! Look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"
To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey, I love you too!"

A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specializes in attack dogs.
The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel,
and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog.
He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first.
He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour.
Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.
"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"
"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Viruses
Watch out for these new viruses- Neither Symantec or McAfee have any solutions for these yet!
The Dubya Virus- Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The Al Gore Virus- Causes your computer to just keep counting and recounting.
The Clinton Virus- Gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The Bob Dole Virus- Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus- Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus- Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus- Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus- Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus- Deletes old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus- Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus- Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus- Only attacks minor files.
The Schwarzenegger Virus- Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
AND THE FAVORITE...
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus- Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy...then discards it through Windows.

One Liners
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
100,000 Lemmings can't be wrong!
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Too many cooks run to obesity
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and constantly full of crap.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.
Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 8:55 pm Post subject:
"Photons have mass ?!? I didn't even know they were Catholic..."
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."


Blonde Dictionary
Artery......................Study of paintings
Bacteria...................Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium....................What to do when treatment fails
Bowel......................Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section....District in Rome
Cat Scan..................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.................Make eye contact with her
Colic........................Sheep Dog
Coma.......................Punctuation Mark
Congenital................Friendly
D & C.......................Where Washington is
Dilate.......................To live long
Enema......................Not a friend
Fester.......................Quicker
Genital......................Non-Jewish
Hang Nail..................Coat Hook
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known
Labor pain.................Hurt at work
Morbid.......................Higher offer
Nitrate.......................Cheeper than day
Node.........................Was aware of
Outpatient..................Person fainted
Post op......................Letter Carrier
Recovery Room..........Place to apholster
Rectum......................Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic..................Amorous
Secretion...................Hiding something
Tablet........................Small table
Terminal Illness..........Sick at Airport
Tibia..........................Country in North Africa
Tumor........................More than One
Urine.........................Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose.....................Nearby
Vein...........................Conceited

I hope these put a smile on your face

Regards