To err is human, to REALLY foul things up requires a computer...

When Joe (a nice man married for over 50 years) died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling... Joe."

Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear... 'Until death do us part'."

Tornado Glossary

For those of you who aren't familiar with tornadoes and are hearing news coverage of this, here is a short glossary to help you understand.

Fujita Scale: Scale used to measure wind speeds of a tornado and their severity.

F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick. People enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.

F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless of course you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to blow your house into your car.

F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the other side of town.

F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.

F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight.

F6: The reason why all the tornado movies in 1999 were really looked down upon in Oklahoma. This bad tornado will rip the roof off your house but leave your $3000 china cabinet unharmed. It will rip out your oven and sling it halfway down the street but leave the macaroni and cheese still piping-hot on the kitchen table for you. It will tear out the wall to your bedroom and pull out all of your kinky underwear for all of the neighbors to see in your backyard. Don't worry too much though because although it does come with winds in major excess of 300 miles an hour, there has only been one and Oklahomans were made fun of for years about telling everyone how it sounded. Also known as May 3rd, state holiday. Everyone gets in their house after work or school and locks themselves in the bathroom for hours. You won't see them again until May 5 when they come out starving and 35 pounds lighter.

Meteorologist: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the tv: "GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Storm Chaser: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do.

Tranquilizer: What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through the May 3rd, 1999 tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole house up freaking out of their minds.

Moore, Oklahoma: A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to meet here and do a little partying before stretching out across the rest of the Midwest.

Bathtub: Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado, mostly because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly wash off and come out looking great.

Severe Weather Radio: A handy device that sends out messages from the National Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting because the high-pitched, shrill noise just as an alarm sounds suspiciously just like a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report just sounds creepy.

Tornado Siren: A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course you can't hear them.

Storm Cellar: A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100% safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are homes to rats and snakes.

May-June: Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor.

Barometric Pressure: Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital and dodge tornadoes at the same time.

Cars: The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile home). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car... unless everybody on the road decides to do the same thing, and then you're in grid-lock.

A Ditch: Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck and up-root a three hundred year old tree, bet your life on out-running it in a car.

Mobile Home: Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some strange signal that triggers tornadoes, because if there's one mobile home park in a hundred mile radius, the tornado will find it.

Earthquake: What any Californian would rather go through on any scale of severity than face a tornado.

Tornado: What any Oklahoman would rather go through on any scale of severity than face an earthquake.

Twister: Slang for 'tornado' and also the title to a movie starring Helen Hunt, which incidentally everyone thought was corny and unrealistic until May 3rd, 1999.

Power Flash: One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night, it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and a bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced by meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt Prime-Time Must-see tv and a million dollars worth of advertising to track a storm for viewers.

Here are some phrases you might want to learn and be familiar with:

"We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hours," which means it'll be a week.

"We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of supplies and an expensive generator," means it's going to be on in twelve hours, probably as soon as you return from Wal-Mart.

"It's a little muggy today." Get outta town. It's getting ready to storm.

"There's just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead and make your outdoor plans." Ha. Ha Ha Ha Ha.

And the BIG TIP of the day:

When your electricity goes out, and you go to bed at night, be sure to turn off everything that was on before it went out, or when it is unexpectedly restored in the middle of the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once.

1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep.

And 2) Your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again.

Gloves and Panties

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:

Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby

PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

I took a picture of my husband's backside as he was stepping out of the shower and then forgot about it.

A few months passed and I needed to shop for picnic supplies for our 4th of July family barbeque and my sister-in-law accompanied me. As I walked out the door my husband called out, "Don't forget to pick up beer."

I picked up everything I needed, beer included, at Lucky's market. The checker, when he got to the beer, asked me for ID. Being 36 at the time I was both surprised and flattered. I pulled out my wallet, flipped it open to my license without looking at it and held it out to the checker. The weirdest expression crossed his face and I said, "What? What's wrong?"

He just looked at me without replying so I turned the wallet toward me to see why he was behaving so oddly. My license photo, which I had not looked at for months, had been very neatly pasted over with that picture of my husband's hairy butt. I showed it to my sister in-law and we both began laughing like lunatics. I was so hysterical I had trouble writing out the check. Both of us were still laughing when we walked out the door. The clerk, who I'm convinced was lobotomized, never even cracked a smile.

When I returned home, I joined my husband in the backyard, as he was fine tuning the barbeque.

"Did you remember to get the beer?", he asked.

"Yep," I replied, "Got carded too."

He stopped what he was doing and looked at me for a couple of seconds and then fell on the ground laughing. He'd done the dirty deed so long ago that he'd forgotten about it until then. Thank God I wasn't pulled over by a cop!