A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

---Fooled ya

I kid you not....
New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE

(Couldn't help it - I heard it through the grapevine)

BANNED FROM WALMART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in
Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk
where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK
ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal
position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!"

And last,
but not least ..




15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!"




Regards,
Tom
Richards

How Fights Start





One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.......

************************************************************************



I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said...

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

*********************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant... The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first..

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...



======================================================================



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to

200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...



====================================================================



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school

reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as

she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and

I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a

person could go on celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started...



===========================================================



I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were

alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know

how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...



============================================================================



THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife

kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of

first, the truck, the car, playing golf '

Always something more important to me.



Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When

I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the

house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed

her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,

you might as well sweep the driveway.'



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

*edited for profanity - CIH