That's a nice variant.

Man With No Ears

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

GirlFriend 3.1

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug Warning: Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Software Engineers

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top! of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'


GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all Wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'


DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt .
When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were Saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that real ly what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of The most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.
She gave the youn gsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task but, he just couldn't remember The Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of The congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.


BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old bo y, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night?
That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'


UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Tommy's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!'


TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'
As this soon becam e part of her nightly routine, to include this at the End, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

And the best.......



SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' Said his mother.
'I don't have to,' The boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!