Big Game

A big game hunter walked into a bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Ain't nature marvellous!

While walking through the Hyde Park woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, and then stripped him bare and left.

Two hours later a man strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree without any clothes on, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"This just isn't gonna be your day, is it Cupcake?"


The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach , 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story?

The a}} hole is usually the one in charge!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

edited for inappropriate language...CIH
edited for inappropriate language...CIH

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh ... I was gettin' laid.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh ... are you qualified to ask that question?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And the best for last:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



edited for inappropriate language language...CIH

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

String Theory

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Why did old MacDonald say ei ei o?

Inconsonants.