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Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1243
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
 Rofl  |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
----------------------------------------and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh ... I was gettin' laid. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh ... are you qualified to ask that question? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ And the best for last: ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ edited for inappropriate language language...CIH  [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at May 19, 2008 12:08:26 PM] |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
----------------------------------------As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?' ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! ) The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Modern Medicine........
Everything in Texas is bigger and better... An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks. A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
String Theory
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." |
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Diana G.
Master Cruncher Joined: Apr 6, 2005 Post Count: 3003 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
----------------------------------------He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly,... 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Why did old MacDonald say ei ei o?
Inconsonants. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A man has six children...
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?" His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Five Children
A man has five children and is very proud of his it, so proud that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Five" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. When it's time to go home, he shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Five?" She, finally fed up, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Ten!" |
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