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Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
lol
 Respectfully Cheating Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Bus Stop Blondes
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.'' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?'' Get me Some Cider A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away." Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little one. "What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!" The Wrinkled Nightgown A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!" Will You Watch An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A traveling salesman was driving through the countryside when he sees a pig with a wooden foreleg hobbling near a barn. Curious, the salesman stops and knocks on the farmer's door.
"What's up with that pig?" he asks. " That’s no regular pig, mister," says the farmer. "One night last year, the house caught fire and that pig came a-running, busted right through the door, up the stairs, and dragged me and the missus outta bed. Saved both our lives, that pig." "Amazing," the salesman says. "But that doesn't explain the wooden leg." "Well, heck, buddy," says the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
You Do The Math...
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?" The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering." |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things d own to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?" |
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