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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Golf Ball Hunt
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
When Lord Nelson saw a French ship on the horizon, he said, "Cabin boy, get my red jacket." The cabin boy ran and got the coat. Just before Nelson engaged in battle, he put the red coat on. Several days later, there were two French ships on the horizon. "Cabin boy, bring me my red jacket." And again, just before he engaged in battle he put the red coat on.
One of the new sailors on board who witnessed this asked, "Why do you always put on your red jacket just before we engage in battle? "I wear the red jacket just in case I'm wounded during the battle. I don't want my troops to see any blood. As commander of the fleet, I must never show any fear during battle." Several days later, the entire French fleet was spotted on the horizon. "Cabin boy, bring me my brown trousers!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The Little Girl and the Wrinkles
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on start for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it! Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah................. thank you. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes. Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Customer: I can't get on the internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Tech support: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the Same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type The letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Golf Ball Hunt
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
An armadillo wakes up one morning, yawns, stretches looks down... and notices that his tool is missing. Panic stricken, he runs through the forest looking for it and bumps into the lion.
"Mr Lion, Mr Lion" he squeeks "I've lost my tool, have you seen it?" "No" replies the lion "What does it looks like?" "Well, it's really distinctive" says the armadillo" "It's got 3 points on it" "Well, I'll keep my eyes out for it" roars the lion. The armadillo runs off, hunting furiously,and a short while later, he meets the giraffe "Mr Giraffe, Mr Giraffe" he squeeks "I've lost my tool, have you seen it?" "No, Its not here in the tree tops" replies the giraffe "What does it looks like?" "Well, you can't miss it" says the armadillo" "It's got 3 points on it" "Well, I'll keep my eyes out for it" says the giraffe. The armadillo runs off again, still hunting furiously,and a short while later, he meets the ... (3 or 4 animals later) jaguar... "Mr Jaguar, Mr Jaguar" he squeaks "I've lost my tool, have you seen it?" "Yes" replies the jaguar "I've eaten it" "You what" sqeals the armadillo "What did you did that for?" "Because I'm a 3 point tool eater Jaguar" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Gettin' Drunk
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!” The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?” The first guy answers, “Chicago.” “Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?” “Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy. “Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?” ''951.” “Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?” “John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?” Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.” |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Make a Sentence
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply: ''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!'' |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Ba Ba Black Sheep
----------------------------------------Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had made love. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..." edited for language...cih [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at Aug 17, 2007 5:08:44 PM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Gorilla Control
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun. "Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated." "Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?" "In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog." |
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