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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Scottish Fruit Cake
You'll need the following: 1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 1 cup of nuts 1 bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?? |
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David Autumns
Ace Cruncher UK Joined: Nov 16, 2004 Post Count: 11062 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Two Aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
----------------------------------------The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.   |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Rooster Prozac
Why was the rooster so unhappy? Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
English Patient
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!! |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Wife: "Let's go out tonight and have some fun." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on for me!"
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
ANGELS AS EXPLAINED BY KIDS
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5 Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9 It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven; then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9 Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7 My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6 Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared , 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses, and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelynn, 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8 What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7 |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Warm and Moist
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He's at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns. MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he? MAN: He's at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Lawyer... Genius
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? A: Your honor. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. |
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Sekerob
Ace Cruncher Joined: Jul 24, 2005 Post Count: 20043 Status: Offline |
at least now i know that my memories last at least 6 days ;>)
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