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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lac toes.
(Too bad the Dutch Power Cows appear to be inactive).
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[Edit 1 times, last edit by littlepeaks at Mar 28, 2017 3:54:13 AM]
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OldChap
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Re: The Jokes Thread

I Just asked Siri, “Surely its not going to rain today?”

She said, “It is, and don’t call me Shirley”

It seems that I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.…
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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.
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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread


The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends:

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
There was no way that old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls. shock
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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
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[Edit 1 times, last edit by littlepeaks at Aug 26, 2017 4:50:42 AM]
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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread

The Haircut

A teenage boy living in the "Bible Belt" had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father said "Well I'll make a deal with you son, you bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little more and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed that you still haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, "Well you know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had very long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's strong evidence that even Jesus had long hair.”

To which his Dad said, "All that may be true, but did you also notice that they either walked or rode donkeys everywhere they went?"
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OldChap
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Re: The Jokes Thread

I play triangle for a reggae band.
It's pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.
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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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littlepeaks
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Re: The Jokes Thread

Scotch?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
    The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
    The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
    The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............"It's a puppy!"
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