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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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yoro42
Ace Cruncher United States Joined: Feb 19, 2011 Post Count: 8976 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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littlepeaks,
----------------------------------------Thank you so much for the Theater Seats. Didn't see it coming.  |
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Good joke, liked it !!!
----------------------------------------CJSL Crunching for a brighter future... |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Free translation of a joke off Swiss TV:
FIFA's chairman, the secretary general and the head of communications are in a car. Who's driving? The Polize |
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littlepeaks
Veteran Cruncher USA Joined: Apr 28, 2007 Post Count: 748 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ... "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "Bastards won't let me fart". |
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cjslman
Master Cruncher Mexico Joined: Nov 23, 2004 Post Count: 2082 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Beautiful !!! Made me laugh out loud
---------------------------------------- CJSL Crunching till I'm 100... |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Here's an oldie but goodie....
----------------------------------------A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll thow both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..." |
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yoro42
Ace Cruncher United States Joined: Feb 19, 2011 Post Count: 8976 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
----------------------------------------The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a ****. He's never been out of the yard' *edited to appropriate forum language - ErikaT [Edit 1 times, last edit by ErikaT at Jun 25, 2015 11:17:43 AM] |
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littlepeaks
Veteran Cruncher USA Joined: Apr 28, 2007 Post Count: 748 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired,
arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello Sarge." "Yes." "It looks like we have a homicide here." "What happened?" "A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped." "Have you placed her under arrest?" "No sir. The floor is still wet." |
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littlepeaks
Veteran Cruncher USA Joined: Apr 28, 2007 Post Count: 748 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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An Irish Tale
As only the Irish can tell a story! Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, …..and ye were born in August, ya idiot!" |
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littlepeaks
Veteran Cruncher USA Joined: Apr 28, 2007 Post Count: 748 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it’s 3 am in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replies the drunk. |
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