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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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twilyth
Master Cruncher US Joined: Mar 30, 2007 Post Count: 2129 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
----------------------------------------A: A buck an ear.   |
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Sgt.Joe
Ace Cruncher USA Joined: Jul 4, 2006 Post Count: 7550 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A: A buck an ear. That is the same thing corn costs  Cheers
Sgt. Joe
----------------------------------------*Minnesota Crunchers* [Edit 1 times, last edit by Sgt.Joe at Feb 10, 2009 4:35:58 AM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Sam and Rita had been married 50 years. The night of their anniversary, after the celebrations were over, they were in bed and in a pretty romantic mood.
Rita looked at Sam and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." Sam leaned over and gave her a loving kiss on the cheek. Then Rita said, "I also remember, Sam, when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." Sam obliged by gently taking her hand in his. Rita continued, "I also remember, Sam, when you used to nibble on my neck. It sent chills up and down my spine. It was lovely." Sam got out of bed and walked toward the door. Rita was a little bewildered. As Sam exited the room, she asked him, "Was it something I said, Sam? Where are you going?" Sam called out from the hallway, "No, it wasn't anything BAD that you said. I'm just going into the bathroom to get my teeth!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY.....( as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT? 25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"? 26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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 Thanks for the laugh, Dave  |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds: "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?" "No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit". |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Love Story 1
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day... While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead." Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Love Story 2 A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Woody Allen has a new comic piece in The New Yorker that weaves together lobsters, existentialism and Bernie Madoff. It starts:
Two weeks ago, Abe Moscowitz dropped dead of a heart attack and was reincarnated as a lobster. Trapped off the coast of Maine, he was shipped to Manhattan and dumped into a tank at a posh Upper East Side seafood restaurant. In the tank there were several other lobsters, one of whom recognized him. “Abe, is that you?” the creature asked, his antennae perking up “Who’s that? Who’s talking to me?” Moscowitz said, still dazed by the mystical slam-bang postmortem that had transmogrified him into a crustacean. “It’s me, Moe Silverman,” the other lobster said. “O.M.G.!” Moscowitz piped, recognizing the voice of an old gin-rummy colleague. “What’s going on?” “We’re reborn,” Moe explained. “As a couple of two-pounders.” Get the rest of the joke here. . |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Morris and his wife Esther went to the Yorkshire show every year and every year Morris would say "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied "I know Morris but that helicopter ride is fifty quid and fifty quid is fifty quid." One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter I might never get another chance." To this Esther replied "Morris, that helicopter is fifty quid and fifty quid is fifty quid." The pilot overheard the couple and said "Listen folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word it's fifty quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "By golly! I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm really impressed!' Morris replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid." |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Woody Allen has a new comic piece in The New Yorker that weaves together lobsters, existentialism and Bernie Madoff. Get the rest of the joke here. .   |
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