Albert and Wallace

With apologies to the late Marriott Edgar

A right smashing hospital's Fairfield,
Renowned for its midder and fun;
Along there went Mrs. Ramsbotham
To give birth to Albert, her son.

A gradely young foetus were Albert,
Wrapped up in his caul - quite a swell
With his cord with its jelly of Wharton
And lashings of vernix as well

He didn’t think much of the amnion;
His quarters were piddling and small
He punched a girt hole in his membranes
Letting waters out, vernix an' all

Now one sister called "Edna Wallace"
Whose apron were covered with blood
Just stood in a somnolent posture
Not giving a dam for the flood

Now Albert had heard about Sisters,
How they was ferocious and wild
And to see Sister standing so peaceful -
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight’ way the brave little fellow
Of fear not showing a speck
Took his cord with its jelly of Wharton
An' wrapped it three times round his neck.

You could see sister didn't quite like it
For she in a kind of a roll
Grabbed his cord with its jelly of Wharton
An' pulled out the afterbirth whole

Now father who'd seen the occurrence
An' didn't know what to do next
Said "Ma's ripped from Dan to Beersheba"
An' mother said, "Ee, I am vexed."

Pa said, “We should never ‘ave ‘ad ‘im
‘ow cum we ‘ad such a mishap?”
Ma said, “I never was pregnant”
And proved it by showing her cap.

They offered the pair compensation
For that was the hospital's way
Saying "How much to settle the matter?"
Pa said, "What do you usually pay?"

But mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought how her cervix had gone
Saying "Someone has got to be summonsed"
So that was decided upon.

The magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And trusted the Ramsbotham couple
Would have further sons to their name

At this mother turned proper blazing
"And thank you sir, kindly" said she
"What, waste all our lives raising children
To teach pupil midwives - not me!"

Row, Row, Row your boat
Gently up the stream.
If you see a crocodile
Don't forget to scream!

YEUGH!

There was a cockney sparrer
What flew away to Spain
But not liking the wevver
Flew back to Bow again

Over the Bay of Biscay
He met a great big 'awk
What pulled out 'is fevvers one by one
Sayin' "Walk you beggar, walk!"

Goosey, goosey, gander, whither shall I wander
Upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber
There she keeps an old man who knows the way to goose;
She took him into custody and wont let him loose.

Here's to the good old beer, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old beer, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old beer, it makes you feel so queer.
Here's to the good old beer, mop it down, mop it down.

Here's to the good old whiskey, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old whiskey, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old whiskey, it makes you feel so frisky.
Here's to the good old whiskey, mop it down, mop it down.

Here's to the good old sherry, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old sherry, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old sherry, it makes you feel so merry.
Here's to the good old sherry, mop it down, mop it down.

Here's to the good old brandy, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old brandy, mop it down, mop it down.
Here's to the good old brandy, it makes you feel so r***y.
Here's to the good old brandy, mop it down, mop it down.

Here's to the good old tawny, mop it down, mop it down.


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