I Pledge Allegiance

[ScrapGoo]

I know this board is full of a bunch of jokers.

Make me laugh! I want a (mostly) clean joke or something funny and one person will win an awesome prize pack from Niki Sivils!!

You have till midnight!


WINNER is silvia2!!

[cynderellaj]

A man is getting arrested by a female highway patrol officer. As she is reading him his rights, she says "everything you say will be held against you" so he says "breasts"

[glo85cam]

I got this in an e-mail from my niece.


Why women are so much cheaper!



In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain..."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[meteechtap]

*** Funny Moment*****






When I told my First Son I was going to have a Baby , a brother or sister for him to play with, I told him the baby would be in Mommy's Tummy. He promptly

asked me : Did you eat the Baby Mama?

[jmo95]

If you don't watch hockey you might not think this is funny...but I think it is hilarious! lol someone sent this joke to me today.



Guy walks into a bar and asks for an Ovechkin.
Bartender, confused, asks what's an Ovechkin?
"Just a white Russian without the ice and cup."

[lpap0807]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
.
Come on, I know you're laughing!!!!

[scrapy1967]

What stops then goes then stops again? A blonde at a blinking red light.

[silvia2]

[table] [tr] [td]10 Reasons Not To Jog[/td][/tr] [tr] [td]1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. [/td][/tr][/table]

[kguercio]

While talking with my 3 year old the other night after he spent the afternoon with his grandparents he told me that "A man was recycling babies" I was trying to figure out what he was talking about like maybe it was recycling bottles, but he insisted it was babies! Love what they come up with, I was totally laughing and asking him how does one recylce babies? Any ideas??

[ScrapyCandy]

Reader's Digest:

Head of the Household
My husband, Jeff, and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Jeff in computer jargon, which confused us even more.

"Sir," my husband politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old."

"Okay," the computer technician replied. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
-- Contributed by Lena Worth

[JDs Mom]

I'll have to think about that...a lot. Every joke I know is F-I-L-T-H-Y!!

[ScrapyCandy]

Reader's Digest:

Peace and Quiet
Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone.

Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back."

"But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two."

"Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."
-- Contributed by Steve Brundage

[writerlady]

A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."

[writerlady]

I Pledge Allegiance

[blockquote]

Not quite getting it, the little first grader said, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

[/blockquote]

[DolphinSoul]

A man drives by a speed limit flashing sign that shows you what speed you are going in the area... when he passes by it flashes and takes a photo of him. He was puzzled because the sign showed he was going 3 miles under the speed limit. So he drove around the block and went by it again to test it.... it Flashed a photo of him again.... so he decided to go 20 miles under the speed limit while making funny faces at the camera... doing this about 3 more times. Thought it had to be broken so just have fun with it.........


....... a few weeks later he receives 5 tickets in the mail with all the funny faces he had made right there on paper for him to see.. in big bold font.... NEXT TIME.. WEAR A SEATBELT!!!

[ScrapyCandy]

Are you laughing yet?

A Mother's Dictionary:


Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.


Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.


Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.


Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

[ncokely]

Guy unscrews a lightbulb goes to the pub, realizes and says "My life is a joke!"

[sghartman]

At the school I teach at we let a different group of kids read the announcements over the intercom each morning. Last year a group of 2nd graders were reading the lunch menu but instead of saying Mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce they said Mozzarella sticks with margarita sauce. Try calming a bunch of 5th graders down after that one.

[jodcold]

Ok, this is a bit naughty; but it is mild compared to the jokes I am listening Robin Williams tell right now.

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''

[AnnOminous]