Information

[FurBaby_Mom]

Why do you think that it's such a Western thing?  Is it because our elders develop such complex problems?  Is it because we don't have the space or time to take care of them?  Is it because we don't want to deal with their problems?I think that they're necessary....I can honestly say that I'm not sure I could physically or emotionally care for aging parents with health problems.  It sounds very selfish, but if they have problems like my grandpa did, I just would be physically unable to do it.  Especially if they develop something like dementia.  With all of the aging baby boomers, nursing home development will probably explode in the coming decades.  I just hope that when I'm nursing home material, I can afford something nice!  I've seen some really nasty ones...and unfortunately that's more the "norm" than the exception.

[moodyonceamth]

Interesting question.   I know I would try to take care of my mom as long as I was able to do so....my great-grandma lived with us when I was growing up and it was rewarding to be around her.

[Art_Teacher]

I think it might be such a Western thing because our culture doesn't revere the elderly....look at all the advertisements aimed at the young and beautiful.  Aging is something we want to ignore and not see, because then we would have to admit that we, too, will get old.  Also, I think our culture is a bunch of workaholics.  We don't have time to take care of the elderly, because we have to work 50-60+ hours a week to buy all our stuff!  (Can you hear the sarcasm?)  It goes right along with children being spoiled, and nobody wanting to take responsibility.  Finally, I believe it will become an even bigger problem because as a country, we do not care for our health, until it is too late.

[koala1966]

I think in some cases, they really are necessary.  My parents tried to take care of my Dad's mom, but because of her mental health issues, the only way for her to get the care she needed ended up being in a nursing home.  We took her in to our home twice when I was younger, and both times there was a lot of heartache in the house and then she would run away.  Only the home could keep her in one place and on her medication.  On the other hand, my mom took care of both of her parents in their last years - they were both ok mentally, but physically had problems. I really think that's one of the biggest reasons for nursing homes is because it's really hard to work full time, care for your children and/or grandchildren, and then also take care of parents who have any kind of mental problems.  And then try and keep your marriage together.  Since some of the more recent generations have larger gaps (parents waiting longer to have children), this means that more children will be faced with taking care of their parents while they are still taking care of their own children.

[Flasher]

Let me start by saying that I believe nursing homes are necessary.  I believe that there are some elderly folks who absolutely need that kind of care; a certain kind of care unable to be given in the home setting.  That being said . . .It seems to me that with each passing generation, the elderly are treated as a burden.  There is no respect for the elderly in this country and it makes me sick and sad.  I will try with every single fiber of my being to never, ever put my parents into a nursing home.  If I need to hire help so that they can stay in their home or my home, so be it.  I'll find a way.  My mom put her life on the line to have me, sacrificed the vast majority of the first half of her life for me, did without so that we could do "with" and now, in the second half of her life she takes the time to travel and enjoy herself some, but the cycle has sort of started over with the way she takes care of her grandkids and goes out of her way to give them whatever they need.  I think the vast majority of my generation is lazy, selfish and lacks respect.  So what if it's difficult to change a Depends?  I imagine it was a load of fun chaging 8000 of my diapers for three years.  So what if they have Alzheimers and don't recognize you?  I'm sure as a teen of 15 with raging hormones my parents didn't know who I was.  So what if you have to prepare a special diet?  So what if there's round the clock medication?  So what if there are bags to change?  Really.  So what?  Sure it's physically tough.  But, I know many, many, many elderly people, one woman is 82 and is still caring for her mentally handicapped daughter who is 53.  It seems that a mother doesn't hesitate to care for her young, but the young seem to not want to return the favor.  So many people enjoy their free time.  They enjoy spending their money.  They enjoy traveling.  They enjoy their careers; so much so that they'd rather throw mom and dad into a home so they don't have to deal with them. I apologize for rambling about this.  This is a very, very, very sensitive topic for me as my hubby and I had to watch his grandmother be thrown away because my MIL didn't want to care for her anymore.  She was alert and mostly healthy.  However, she was a double amputee, having had both legs removed below the knee due to complications from diabetes.  She had everything she needed at home.  Special wheel chair, special toilet, etc.  Most times, she didn't even need help getting from the wheel chair to the bed.  But MIL didn't want to deal with her.  Grandma was a burden.  We were living in PA at the time, getting ready to move to Ohio.  If we could have wrapped up our home sale and our move any quicker, we told MIL we would take Grandma in.  MIL said no.  She had POA over Grandma and this is where she wanted her.  For 3 years, Grandma missed her home, her friends, what limited freedom she had.  She was sad, very distant.  By all accounts, she died the day she was put into that home. Anyway, as I said, nursing homes are necessary.  As I said, there are some conditions where proper care just can't be achieved at a residential home.  However, I stand by my statement that more often than not, that is not the case and people are just ridding themselves of a "burden".  

[Queen Mum]

Our society is different than it used to be. 

Many times family doesn't live close by - and the elderly want to stay in their own homes and on their own as long as possible - to the point where they don't think there are issues but we know they are.  Also, there are hardly any households left where both husband and wife are not working.    So who will take care of mom and dad?    

People are living longer with more illnesses and physical problems due to the medical care available - but that doesn't mean that they are capable of taking care of themselves. 

[Wendy-Gale]

My dad lived with me the last 2 years of his life and I will have to say taking care of a parent is way harder than taking care of a child...one they think they are still the "parent" and what they say goes(at least my Dad did)its hard emotionally to see a person go from such a strong viral person to a forgetful strangerwith Mom being in bad health I do what I can but I dont have room in my house for her,or her room for us in hersI have to work and I have kids....I dont regret what I did for Dad but I will say its much easier when you have them live with youI personally have told my kids put me in one because I in no way want to burden them...come visit and bring me sweets

[twinsmom1]

my grandmother required 24hr care due to a stroke. we had to put her in a home. BUT, we kept her close to us and we went to see her every day. we didn't put her there and forget about her. i know she understood why we did. we also took her on outings until she was not able. then we took Christmas dinner and presents to her. we didn't just take her a plate--we took all the food and used the private dining room and had our Christmas there. my mom is now taking care of her father at her home. it is taking a physical and emotional toll on her, but she is trying. he is able to do a lot of things for himself, my grandmother was not able, she didn't have use of her right side. we need them, but do not need to "dump" our loved ones there.

[bensmom]

This topic hits VERY close to home since my grandma will be entering a nursing home very soon.  My gma has Alzheimer's. My mom and granpa have been caring for her for over 10 years with this disease.  In the past month it has gotten to the point where my gpa can't handle it and my mom is unable to as well.  I know that many of you stated that people don't take care of the elderly in this country.  And while I think that sometimes that is the case, in more instances I know of people my parent's age caring for their parents.  My SIL lives with her gma to take care of her.  My MIL cared for her elderly aunt and uncle until they passed.  My parents help care for ALL of my grandparents.  My other SIL's mom lives with her gma (yeah you Marcy).  I guess I see it as a last resort for those that cannot care for the elderly in their lives.  I don't believe that it is an easy decision for any loving child.  PLease don't think that this is something that people jump into,  My mom is a wreck with this process.  Today they had to go to the Lawyer to render her incapcitated.  This is a long, expensive process.  I am sure that given the choice my mom and gpa would rather care for gma, but it is beyond that now. Sorry, I don't feel that anyone here was rude or disrespectful.  It's just that this is very real for my family right now and very difficult.  I just needed to get it off of my chest.

[Kathy]

Let me preface my remarks by telling you all that I work in the nursing home industry.  I've done this for the second half of my nursing career.The company that I work for is a good one.  The care we give the residents in our homes is above average.  But no matter how good, how caring, how warm and homey, it's not the same as being "at home."  We try, but it's an institution.  The state has rules and regulations to ensure that every one is treated individually, but even those rules require major conformity and the removal of individualness.  It's a conundrum.Yes, society has changed.  We are now mostly urban instead of agrarian.  Families are fragmented; we don't have multiple generations living and working side by side, shouldering all of life's issues together.  "The Waltons" is passe.Add to that the fact that with modern medical care, the elderly are more elderly than ever before.  For some this is more years of happy, productive lives.  For others, it's more years living in confusion, pain, debility.  As a society, we tout our expanded lifespans, then try to ignore some of the effects that expansion causes.Western society is Hollywood-driven.  And Hollywood doesn't like the old/sick/wrinkled/dependent/needy.  Another part of all this (and this really gets under my skin) is the financial aspect.  I've witnessed families who, to avoid spending mom's money, will care for her at home in a neglectful way just to save the money so that when she dies, it's theirs.  Yes, as a nurse in a nursing home, I've seen the condition of some elders when they arrive.  Unwashed with bedsores. Thin, emmaciated.   When they come to our nursing home, they actually get better.  They are kept clean, turned to reduce the pressure that caused the sores, have their wounds treated and healed.  They gain weight.  They look better and brighterThey often find a community of friends here and form friendships and have social interaction that they didn't at home.    But some families, under the guise of loving mom or dad, want save money.  That makes me ill and angry.The shame of all this is on us. Can we change it?  I doubt it.  It's what we as a whole have become.   However, we can encourage people to visit their local nursing homes, befriend the residents there, be part of the nursing home community.  Take your children to the trick-or-treat times the home will hold.  They will be safe going room to room, and the residents will love their smiling faces and cute costumes.   Really, children visiting the nursing home at any time is a treat for the residents there.  Also pets.  Some people have a real ministry in training their dogs and other animals to be loving and gentle around the elderly.  I've seen many otherwise glum and stony-faced gentlemen break out in a wreath of smiles when a friendly Labrador comes over and puts a paw on the flanneled leg.  Children and pets are a great way to bring joy.Okay......enough of my soapbox now.  Thanks for reading. 

[2Bizi]

I work as a primary care medical provider in our broken US system of care and I've seen more than my share of good and bad outcomes related to nursing homes. The truth is that our lifestyles have changed faster than our systems of care and nursing homes are a part of these systems. We are an admittedly age"ist" society more so in the "western" world and in the more industrialized nations. Our elders do live longer and with more complex medical problems because of all of our medical options. In our two income busy lives where demands are higher than ever (from work, from schooling and parenting involvement) and sedentary escapes are also high (computers, television etc) our patience and attention span for our elders is lower. Finances and independence along with these drive us to maintain our lives as is even as our parents and grandparents age and need us more. And as in all other things from capitalism arises entrpreneurship and service driven systems and like in so many other areas we are offered (if financially able) the option of paying for the care. Nursing homes like so many other things (especially regulatory institutions) are variable - some good, some bad and everything in between. And we use them for the right reason with good outcomes and bad outcomes and we use them sometimes with not the best intentions again with good and bad outcomes. At this point I think they are here to stay until and unless our health care system as a whole changes (radically changes) wtih all their pros and cons.

[scrapcathy]

I don't have to much to say about this subject. I have a lot of feelings however..... It's just sad. Getting old, and being forced to give up your own independence. I know I will be there one day and with no children of my own, I suppose I will have no visitors either. It makes me sad and unable to really want to think about it.Fortunatly  my Granny who died at 99  was still in her right mind and her own home, but unfortunatly for my older sister who lived with her for the last 12 years of her life and felt obligated to and well as sacraficed her own life, marriage, children and everything to do it. Nobody wins in the end. It's all so sad.

[Emsdancemom]

When my Grandma was no longer able to take care of herself for awhile the sisters took turns staying with her but they could only do it for so long. They were lucky enough to be able to hire round the clock care for her in her home. It went on for years but she was able to stay in familiar surroundings and I think that helped to prolong her life.When my mother became ill I immideatly began seeking a placement for her because I knew I would never be able to keep caregivers with her, knew I could not have her live with us and knew neither could anyone else in her family. In many ways I am glad she never left the hospital.Em visited our local nursing home last week with her Interact Club. She was so sad afterwords because one of the residents had begged her to help her escape. When Em kindly but firmly told her she couldn't she asked her to help her end her life. Em was very upset. Still is. Now she is dreading going back for another visit.

[Art_Teacher]

scrapcathy, I know totally how you feel about thinking about it.  I, too, have no children and will probably not have any visitors.  I have been thinking about it alot, since I am turning 40 this week....I'm glad such places exist to help take care of people, but it makes me sad that even in a place full of people they can feel so alone.

[deerewife]

The girls and I a few years back went regulary to a nursing home to visit a former neighbor and the girls loved visiting with all the residents.  I do feel sad for those that don't get visitors.  What is worse is situations like my mom was in - she had intestional cancer and we were in high school/college and couldn't care for her so we had no choice but a nursing home.  She had her wits, but not much body function...sadly she got good treatment because she could communicate, but the others were heartbreaking.Jenna