Information

[letumom]

You are making good choices. Keep us posted.

[happayscrappay]

I went through something similar when I graduated from college. So, I'll tell you about it from my perspective.
My guy refused to move to the same town I was in or to even look for a job there. I asked him to marry me when it felt like he had dragged his feet on it long enough. He said, "no." but I continued to date him. We had to drive 5 hours to see each other. I broke it off with him a little over 6 months later when it became obvious that he wasn't going to make a move. He had been against things that I wanted to do in so many ways. The biggest was that he didn't want me to go to graduate school or even to take the GRE to get see if I could into graduate school even though I was willing to only look at schools in parts of the country where he wanted to live.

My parents were very much not the type to push and I always appreciated them for that. They knew I was upset and that things were off the week that I broke up with the guy. They were supportive after it happened even though they really liked my guy. I think you could tell your daughter that whatever she decides, life will go on and great things will happen for her. After I broke up with my guy, he sent flowers for weeks. I ignored them, took the GRE, applied to graduate school, and moved across the country where I got a PhD, married a wonderful man, and had two children. Years later, I contacted the old boyfriend just because I found his e-mail. Turns out he did realize that he'd screwed up big time and had thought for years that I would come back to him. I am so glad that I didn't because look at all that I have now!

[sherry]

Thank you for sharing that, I'm glad things worked out so well for you. Really glad. My daughter seems to be more the type to be afraid to be WITHOUT a guy-- I don't get it at all. I never felt that way as a younger woman. She seems afraid to break up with him. I have told her I think she should at least not see him for a few weeks so she can clear her head and think about this logically. Since he dropped the bomb on her late Sunday night, he's been here Monday night and again last night- so every night since. Flowers, dinner, etc. She is only without him when she is at work. How in the world is she going to figure this out with him constantly talking in one ear about how sorry he is? I don't understand her inability to stand on her own two feet for a time and figure this out, but I'm letting her make her own decisions, as painful as it is.

[kcatt79]

The differances of faith is the biggest red flag I see. As a Christian myself, my daughter (and sons) will never date a non believer. I would talk to your daughter about that first. It will make a differance in her marriage if they arent on the same page in faith.

[ChrissyTina]

The differances of faith is the biggest red flag I see. As a Christian myself, my daughter (and sons) will never date a non believer. I would talk to your daughter about that first. It will make a differance in her marriage if they arent on the same page in faith.

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree on this. The biggest red flag here is NOT faith. It's trust, or the lack thereof. In my book, it doesn't matter what faith someone is if they're dishonest.

As far as having the same faith in order to make a difference in a marriage...not true. My husband and I are of different faiths and beliefs and we are super compatible and even have "religious" discussions without ripping each other apart. To force your children to date or not to date based solely on one's faith is stripping them their right to make their own choices and to learn about other perspectives, beliefs, and faiths.

[amberella]

The differances of faith is the biggest red flag I see. As a Christian myself, my daughter (and sons) will never date a non believer. I would talk to your daughter about that first. It will make a differance in her marriage if they arent on the same page in faith.

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree on this. The biggest red flag here is NOT faith. It's trust, or the lack thereof. In my book, it doesn't matter what faith someone is if they're dishonest.

As far as having the same faith in order to make a difference in a marriage...not true. My husband and I are of different faiths and beliefs and we are super compatible and even have "religious" discussions without ripping each other apart. To force your children to date or not to date based solely on one's faith is stripping them their right to make their own choices and to learn about other perspectives, beliefs, and faiths.

I wholeheartedly agree with you Christina. You said this perfectly!

[AmyTeets]

Even though the choice is hers, there is NO WAY I would marry someone who's been cheating on me for TWO YEARS!

[megamay]

The differances of faith is the biggest red flag I see. As a Christian myself, my daughter (and sons) will never date a non believer. I would talk to your daughter about that first. It will make a differance in her marriage if they arent on the same page in faith.

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree on this. The biggest red flag here is NOT faith. It's trust, or the lack thereof. In my book, it doesn't matter what faith someone is if they're dishonest.

As far as having the same faith in order to make a difference in a marriage...not true. My husband and I are of different faiths and beliefs and we are super compatible and even have "religious" discussions without ripping each other apart. To force your children to date or not to date based solely on one's faith is stripping them their right to make their own choices and to learn about other perspectives, beliefs, and faiths.

I have to agree with Christina on this one,

[Ayla]

Even though the choice is hers, there is NO WAY I would marry someone who's been cheating on me for TWO YEARS!

That what it boils down to for me too....couldn't deal with that! WOULDN'T deal with that!

[scraptag]

I didn't read everyone's answers, cause I got to go to bed, but... this guy sounds selfish. Yes, it could be a maturity thing, and this thing with the other girl could have been an awakening for him. Or, he's one of those guys who has to have a girlfriend before he dumps the other one, so in not getting this girl he went back to your daughter (but then why would he even tell her?) or he is a narcissist and really only cares about his needs. I have no idea, but I like the thought of blessing the marriage or even the getting back together if they go through counseling together. This is huge for a relationship, (married or not). However, I have a feeling that he will talk about how hard all of this has been on HIM, and how that other girl hurt HIM. (that would not be a good sign). Good luck. I know how heart wrenching it is to see your daughter hurting. I hope this ends up well.

[Jenn Kellams]

Here's my advice to you. It all comes down to the relationship you have with your daughter. If she is super-close to you and seeks your guidance regularly, then give your thoughts but ONLY if she asks for them. Don't push it on her and understand and acknowledge that she is going to make the decision she feels is right for her, regardless if it's "right". She's an adult now and she needs you to be her friend and confidante, not a mom.

As for him, if he asks your for your blessing, NOT giving it to him COULD backfire on you in regards to your daughter because he WILL tell her that you said no. However, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to give it to him freely. You can give it to him under certain circumstances. Have him go through couples' counseling with your daughter first. Ask him WHY he decided after 2 years to come forward now. Ask him what his intentions are. There are some people that "cheat" ONE time and realize how awful it is. If he doesn't have a past history of being a liar or dishonest, than maybe he merits a thought of a second chance. Of course, this is a gamble too.

I think is said perfectly!! I also wanted to add something though about your concerns for him being a Christian. I know its a tough pill to swallow that he doesn't have the same beliefs that you instilled in your daughter growing up, but I am married to a man who is open agnostic and I come from a very religious family (grandfather went to seminary school). I don't find that this affects our relationship only because I have the freedom to choose how I live my life still. He has no influence over that. I will still have my children baptized and we were married in my Lutheran church. A relationship is about give or take and if that is something she is willing to give, then I don't think it hurts anything. Good luck with it all.