Let's see...where to begin.
General question...especially for any one with "step children"....that aspect just puts a different spin on things. When the step children grow up to be adults, when do you stop bailing them out from making bad decisions? For example...a step daughter goes out and lives with an abusive man for many years....intentionally has not 1 but lets say 3 children...knowing that this realtionship was not going to last long but she wanted several children regardless. No job, no education, no house, no husband (just a live in)...but 3 children.
Let's just say the parents (step parent and parent) gave not one but 2 cars (which they were supposed to pay us back for the second car and did not!) , found them a place to live regardless of their terrible credit history), and we paid on the rent of this nice home (all but 300.00), then they ditched the place once they had to pay it all on their own (now the couple is at this time age 32 and 26)....
Now the "step" has no home, no job, nothing...and hints for us to help again....
So...when is enough...enough? ANyone in anything like this? The "step" is now 28 years old. We need to start concentrating on putting away our nest egg and paying off all our bills....
help? any good advice?
Chocolate Covered Cherry
There's a reason why I don't have kids........
I would of stopped a long time ago. But especially since it is a step it could cost you your marriage if dh doesn't want to stop.
I would of stopped a long time ago. But especially since it is a step it could cost you your marriage if dh doesn't want to stop.
Cherry Cola
I think that a lot of parents get into that situation, step or not. With the grandkids in the mix, it just makes it that much more difficult to say no. But I think ultimately, that's what has to happen for the 'kids' to learn to grow up and act like adults. HOWEVER, like the person before me said, since they are 'step' then that makes it more complicated because you dont want DH thinking that you are saying 'no' just because she is his child. Really, IMHO, you AND he should say no regardless of whose kid it is. But he may not see it that way. tough situation! sorry that you are having this trouble.
Last edited by megamay on Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Cherry Bing
My heart is really going out to you. I have four young children, but I went through a REALLY ROUGH rebellious spell and caused my parents A LOT of sadness, anger, and grief. I even ended up in the military because of it. It lasted for 8-9 years! I did just about everything (except drugs and illegal stuff) to hurt them. I was in abusive relationships and had 3 BEAUTIFUL children with my now ex-husband (who absolutely did NOT love me and neglected out entire family and what a cheater!).
My parents ended up just throwing their hands up. Granted, I NEVER asked them for money or for help. But after about 10 years, I learned my lesson. Sadly, it took the passing of my father to bring me to my senses (and even then, there was still a lot of resistance).
I am now going to be 31 and my mom is my closest friend and confidante. I can only say that sometimes, "tough love" is the only thing to do. The bad part of your situation is that she is your step daughter and there are grandkids being dragged through this. I can only recommend that you sit down and have "brass tacks" talk with your husband. It is very true that this could lead to an irreparable rift in your marriage, but I'm sure he has the same concerns. You can always see if he's up for talking to a professional about what to do too.
Not sure if that will help you. But I at least wanted to let you know that she may come out of it. I did.
My parents ended up just throwing their hands up. Granted, I NEVER asked them for money or for help. But after about 10 years, I learned my lesson. Sadly, it took the passing of my father to bring me to my senses (and even then, there was still a lot of resistance).
I am now going to be 31 and my mom is my closest friend and confidante. I can only say that sometimes, "tough love" is the only thing to do. The bad part of your situation is that she is your step daughter and there are grandkids being dragged through this. I can only recommend that you sit down and have "brass tacks" talk with your husband. It is very true that this could lead to an irreparable rift in your marriage, but I'm sure he has the same concerns. You can always see if he's up for talking to a professional about what to do too.
Not sure if that will help you. But I at least wanted to let you know that she may come out of it. I did.
Chrissy
Cherry Addict
Boy, has this 28 yr old legally adult person, got you by your b---, well you know. She is certainly old enough to know what she is doing. She KNOWS that she is abusing the relationship between herself and her Dad. She KNOWS it! And she is doing it anyway. And she has had kids to make sure that you will continue to "keep" her in the style that she has become accostomed to. What is next? Will she not allow you to see the kids if you don't "help" her? She is very manipulative.
The solution is very complicated. And I don't have it.
But I would have a talk with dh and try to find out where he is coming from. What is his perspective? What does he want to do? The problem, I suspect is that he wants to continue to bail her out. If this is so, then you are in a mess. Maybe you will be able to negotiate a compromise with him. Tell how you feel about it and what you want to do. Start from there. Give the girl a very specific length of time that you will continue to help her. Let her know that after that time, his dad is going to stop helping her. Mean what you say. After that point, ONLY feed her at your house. Do not under any circumstances give her any more money. That way, you know that the kids are fed.
If you continue to bail her out, the kids will learn how to do the same tricks that their mom does. And the sh-- continues. It is hard, but after a while she will recognize that she has to do it for herself. If she needs help with getting student loans, help her fill out the forms. Help is out there for her.
My Mom told me that she only had to raise me for 18 years, after that I was on my own. Guess what? I made plenty of mistakes, got married, and then came home to Moma. She said that I could spend the night to cool off, but I had to go home in the morning. Best advice I ever had. But, I could not believe that she would not let me come home!
I can just see the scene now. When you tell her that "help" is being cut off. Tear, tantrums, recriminations! Threats! Cussing! But, good or bad, she will have to grow up. And it is about time, too!
You husband does not "owe" her anything. Being a parent sometimes means kicking them out of the nest and making them fly.
The solution is very complicated. And I don't have it.
But I would have a talk with dh and try to find out where he is coming from. What is his perspective? What does he want to do? The problem, I suspect is that he wants to continue to bail her out. If this is so, then you are in a mess. Maybe you will be able to negotiate a compromise with him. Tell how you feel about it and what you want to do. Start from there. Give the girl a very specific length of time that you will continue to help her. Let her know that after that time, his dad is going to stop helping her. Mean what you say. After that point, ONLY feed her at your house. Do not under any circumstances give her any more money. That way, you know that the kids are fed.
If you continue to bail her out, the kids will learn how to do the same tricks that their mom does. And the sh-- continues. It is hard, but after a while she will recognize that she has to do it for herself. If she needs help with getting student loans, help her fill out the forms. Help is out there for her.
My Mom told me that she only had to raise me for 18 years, after that I was on my own. Guess what? I made plenty of mistakes, got married, and then came home to Moma. She said that I could spend the night to cool off, but I had to go home in the morning. Best advice I ever had. But, I could not believe that she would not let me come home!
I can just see the scene now. When you tell her that "help" is being cut off. Tear, tantrums, recriminations! Threats! Cussing! But, good or bad, she will have to grow up. And it is about time, too!
You husband does not "owe" her anything. Being a parent sometimes means kicking them out of the nest and making them fly.
Bibi
Cherry Jubilee
I know this may sound harsh...but you have already done too much. My mom had a steadfast rule...once you are out of my house don't ask for my help and you can NEVER come back home. I made many many mistakes, I asked for help was but refused....although it was hurtful it made me stand on my own 2 feet, and yes I have 2 children. My mom made sure they had food and clothing...she would pick them up and watch them and do special things with them when we were not able to, but we can stand on our own as a family, and are better for it. On most days my girls don't ask for much, because they know it has to be earned... they are spoiled with attention but not other things.
If you keep bailing them out, they will always expect you to bail them out... and it sounds like this is where you are right now. As long as your grandchildren are not in any physical or emotional danger, I would say let them figure it out on their own. They may be temporarily upset with you, but will hopefully be grateful in the long run.
If you keep bailing them out, they will always expect you to bail them out... and it sounds like this is where you are right now. As long as your grandchildren are not in any physical or emotional danger, I would say let them figure it out on their own. They may be temporarily upset with you, but will hopefully be grateful in the long run.
Cherry Cropper
1grandma wrote:Boy, has this 28 yr old legally adult person, got you by your b---, well you know. She is certainly old enough to know what she is doing. She KNOWS that she is abusing the relationship between herself and her Dad. She KNOWS it! And she is doing it anyway. And she has had kids to make sure that you will continue to "keep" her in the style that she has become accostomed to. What is next? Will she not allow you to see the kids if you don't "help" her? She is very manipulative.
The solution is very complicated. And I don't have it.
But I would have a talk with dh and try to find out where he is coming from. What is his perspective? What does he want to do? The problem, I suspect is that he wants to continue to bail her out. If this is so, then you are in a mess. Maybe you will be able to negotiate a compromise with him. Tell how you feel about it and what you want to do. Start from there. Give the girl a very specific length of time that you will continue to help her. Let her know that after that time, his dad is going to stop helping her. Mean what you say. After that point, ONLY feed her at your house. Do not under any circumstances give her any more money. That way, you know that the kids are fed.
If you continue to bail her out, the kids will learn how to do the same tricks that their mom does. And the sh-- continues. It is hard, but after a while she will recognize that she has to do it for herself. If she needs help with getting student loans, help her fill out the forms. Help is out there for her.
My Mom told me that she only had to raise me for 18 years, after that I was on my own. Guess what? I made plenty of mistakes, got married, and then came home to Moma. She said that I could spend the night to cool off, but I had to go home in the morning. Best advice I ever had. But, I could not believe that she would not let me come home!
I can just see the scene now. When you tell her that "help" is being cut off. Tear, tantrums, recriminations! Threats! Cussing! But, good or bad, she will have to grow up. And it is about time, too!
You husband does not "owe" her anything. Being a parent sometimes means kicking them out of the nest and making them fly.
Wow, this is great advice!!
I have a mother who has been bailing out my younger brother and seems she will continue to do so for the rest of her life. She is no longer allowed to come crying to me about it because she has brought it upon herself and never ever means what she says. She is a DOORMAT and my brother is a complete loser. I love them both but my amount of respect over the issue is absolutely zero. My dad isn't even in on the decisions because Mom thinks she knows better than he does and he is sick of fighting with her so he barely says a word now. HE is the one working to pay for my adult brother and wife and kid (and step daughter and now pregnant with another baby) to get by,living with them no less...my Dad who barely is able to make his own mortgage every month.
Cherry Jubilee
I think you've passed that stage. Sometimes the hard way is the only way people learn. Even though it's probably hard to say no, don't let your heart make the decisions. At some stage all adults need to be responsible for their lives & their mistakes. Sorry you have to go through it.
Cherry Bing
LOVE how you guys phrased it! Enabling is only to enable and not solve the problem.
Chrissy
Sweet Cherry Pie
I think anyone TRYING to do good for themselves and WORKING at bettering their lives and hits hard times should get help, regardless of their age.
Anyone mootching, abusing the system, etc... no, draw a line and stand by it. It only hurts the person to keep handing them bailouts when they they're just looking for handouts and don't want to stand on their own.
That said, the step possition makes it more difficult. If you can't afford to help financially, then you need to talk with your hubby about that, and that you can't support her while you guys can't afford it. If you can, and it's just a matter of helping her when she hasn't earned it, then I'd sit him down, give him the 'tough love' side of it, but let him know it's his daughter and he needs to chose what he feels is best for her... but you think she needs a lesson, blah blah blah. If it was your child and grandkids (Granted, I know their yours in a way too), then you wouldn't want him making the choices for you and your kids... so let him chose and stand by him if it's something you guys can afford. You can try talking him into drawing a line at least... like some others suggested.
Good luck with whatever you guys do!
Anyone mootching, abusing the system, etc... no, draw a line and stand by it. It only hurts the person to keep handing them bailouts when they they're just looking for handouts and don't want to stand on their own.
That said, the step possition makes it more difficult. If you can't afford to help financially, then you need to talk with your hubby about that, and that you can't support her while you guys can't afford it. If you can, and it's just a matter of helping her when she hasn't earned it, then I'd sit him down, give him the 'tough love' side of it, but let him know it's his daughter and he needs to chose what he feels is best for her... but you think she needs a lesson, blah blah blah. If it was your child and grandkids (Granted, I know their yours in a way too), then you wouldn't want him making the choices for you and your kids... so let him chose and stand by him if it's something you guys can afford. You can try talking him into drawing a line at least... like some others suggested.
Good luck with whatever you guys do!
Laurie, aka 
If you can't convince them, confuse them
Cherry Addict
sorry to hear about all your troubles, but the girls are right; this "adult" - and I use that term loosely - will continue to make poor judgement calls as long as she knows she has back up; hope you and your husband get through this okay with her!
Ann ~ Life is always better at the beach!
view my blog (new) https://ourhideawayparadise.blogspot.com/
view my blog (new) https://ourhideawayparadise.blogspot.com/
Cherry Bomb
I can't relate in regards to step children but my parents still bail out my 29 year old brother. He has stolen from my parents and they have paid his rent countless times. Sometimes, you have to sink to the very bottom before you can dig yourself out.
Cherry Cropper
I have a 55 year old sister and my mother is still bailing her out. It will last as long as you let it and I don't think you're doing her any favors in the long run by allowing it to continue. You won't always be around or able to help her out and she needs to learn to do it herself.
---Jan---
Cherry Cola
Now I don't have kids so I can't say to that end however my parents do still help me some. However, I work and I work hard. I have 3 jobs but sometimes its just not enough to do it all alone. They would let me go home but they know thats not something I want.
My ex-sister-in-law is this way. Always asking her dad for money. Her mom now lives with them so she has built in child care and relies alot on the state. When I first met my husband she had 1 child. She now has 2 and is due anytime now with twins. She has worked but I can't even tell you the last time. With all this being said - it is time to let her go. I would talk to you hubby and see what he is thinking about the whole situation but its time. If you want to make sure the kids have clothing and necessities I would go get them that stuff but not give them mom and dad money for it - buy it. I know the kids can't help the situation and alot of times that will make the grandparents keep helping but this is not helping the parents. Make them figure things out on their own.
My ex-sister-in-law is this way. Always asking her dad for money. Her mom now lives with them so she has built in child care and relies alot on the state. When I first met my husband she had 1 child. She now has 2 and is due anytime now with twins. She has worked but I can't even tell you the last time. With all this being said - it is time to let her go. I would talk to you hubby and see what he is thinking about the whole situation but its time. If you want to make sure the kids have clothing and necessities I would go get them that stuff but not give them mom and dad money for it - buy it. I know the kids can't help the situation and alot of times that will make the grandparents keep helping but this is not helping the parents. Make them figure things out on their own.
Cherry Cola
I have a 59 year old sister who is still being bailed out by Mom. Sis is now in a nursing home and STILL she & her dh call for money - and Mom sends it. She barely has enough money for herself - but she'll never stop bailing sis out. After reading what everyone else has said, I agree. Talk to dh and cut her off NOW! It'll be hard and you may end up with the grandkids for a while, but if she's ever going to be a real adult, the bailouts have to stop.
I wonder, sometimes, if we ever give God a headache.
Cherry Cola
Oh my gosh! You guys are soooo sensible! I so much appreciate all of your views.
I am so frustrated. You see, their mother was exactly like this! The step daughter just is never going to grow up and now I am totally getting resentful because I am trying sooo hard to budget while she blows everything she puts her hands on! ----> pardon the pun!:x
What makes me even more super mad is that dh family believes there is no limit to helping the children. I was only able to have 1 child with my dh....we did not have the extra $$ to go thru invitro again. So...why should I keep helping sd??
She is homeless now....BUT before we stopped helping her financially.... I even got the name , number and all the info for her to sign up for low income housing! I did all the work BUT sign the papers....she was too lazy to do this...so she lost out. Ugh! I am at a point that it is just not my concern anymore...I am tired...just so so tired. These steps have been more headache to me than enough. I can't take anymore!
As far as dh, he is totally on board with no longer giving sd handouts also. He is totally embarrassed of her actions and has gotten to a point that he wont even talk about her anymore. The last time she asked for "help", dh told her he would help her in what to do to get custody for the kids and child support..but no money...no money at all. After that, he did not hear from sd for over a year. No love loss...but now she returns giving her sob story to dh's family.
i think they believe that we should sell our house, sell all our belongings, and hand over everything to dh's children....screw us! But then again, dh's family is as unhealthy as they come..if you know what I mean.....
I just wanted to see if I am being unreasonable....is 28 old enough to say "enough"???!!! *slump*
I am so frustrated. You see, their mother was exactly like this! The step daughter just is never going to grow up and now I am totally getting resentful because I am trying sooo hard to budget while she blows everything she puts her hands on! ----> pardon the pun!:x
What makes me even more super mad is that dh family believes there is no limit to helping the children. I was only able to have 1 child with my dh....we did not have the extra $$ to go thru invitro again. So...why should I keep helping sd??
She is homeless now....BUT before we stopped helping her financially.... I even got the name , number and all the info for her to sign up for low income housing! I did all the work BUT sign the papers....she was too lazy to do this...so she lost out. Ugh! I am at a point that it is just not my concern anymore...I am tired...just so so tired. These steps have been more headache to me than enough. I can't take anymore!
As far as dh, he is totally on board with no longer giving sd handouts also. He is totally embarrassed of her actions and has gotten to a point that he wont even talk about her anymore. The last time she asked for "help", dh told her he would help her in what to do to get custody for the kids and child support..but no money...no money at all. After that, he did not hear from sd for over a year. No love loss...but now she returns giving her sob story to dh's family.
i think they believe that we should sell our house, sell all our belongings, and hand over everything to dh's children....screw us! But then again, dh's family is as unhealthy as they come..if you know what I mean.....
I just wanted to see if I am being unreasonable....is 28 old enough to say "enough"???!!! *slump*
Sweet Cherry Pie
My heart really aches for you I myself have to great stepdaughters and for all purposs there mine!! I have been married to tier fahter since they were very young they are both great kids now married with kids of thier own, but my oldest daughter has a step daughter is is a H*** Cat She has had to get her out of jail and go looking for her at all hours of the night and shes 16 or 17 and lives with her birthmother the only time my daugter hears from them is when she is in trouble so my heart does go out to you it has put a horrible strain on my daughters marriage:?
A Cherry on Top
It is called tough love. As long as you continue to do they will continue to expect. Once they find out that they must stand on their own two feet they usually will.
Cherry Bing
That's wonderful that your husband is on the same sheet of music as you are. Not to mention, that makes this A LOT easier to deal with and handle.
Give the grandkids whatever they need (but no money). The daughter is going to have to fend for herself. And the hubby is going to have to stand his ground with his family.
But it looks like things are looking promising. Let his family sell their homes and 401K's to help her.
Give the grandkids whatever they need (but no money). The daughter is going to have to fend for herself. And the hubby is going to have to stand his ground with his family.
But it looks like things are looking promising. Let his family sell their homes and 401K's to help her.
Chrissy
Digital Designers
I didn't read all the replies yet.. but I wanted to say, my parents will tell you that I am one of those kids. The one that they have bailed out, bought a house for that I just ditched, helped me out of situations where I was with abusive men....
So, being on this end, I would say they should have thrown their hands up a long time ago and forced me to make it on my own. I chose to move and now because of that have chose to grow up and make it on my own. I feel guilty for moving away from the house they paid for, but at least they wont be bailing me out anymore. I am a lot happier here then I was there. It really pissed my parents off that I moved though. Anyways, throwing your hands up will make them grow up and make it on their own, even if they have kids. If they know they can go to you to bail them out they won't stand up and be responsible. I sure didn't knowing they were there to pay my bills if I got behind. HTH!
So, being on this end, I would say they should have thrown their hands up a long time ago and forced me to make it on my own. I chose to move and now because of that have chose to grow up and make it on my own. I feel guilty for moving away from the house they paid for, but at least they wont be bailing me out anymore. I am a lot happier here then I was there. It really pissed my parents off that I moved though. Anyways, throwing your hands up will make them grow up and make it on their own, even if they have kids. If they know they can go to you to bail them out they won't stand up and be responsible. I sure didn't knowing they were there to pay my bills if I got behind. HTH!
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