ACOT Message Board

I wrote out the names of all those who posted a chuckle here......on a piece of paper....and pulled the name BAYOUSCRAP for a $5 ACOT G.C.
CONGRATULATIONS....and thanks for playing!!!

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 ....if you post a funny joke here before the end of the crop today.......(one post per person, please)

I will pull a random name.....and that person will win a $5 Gift Certificate to ACOT!

Get going!!!!

 

Here
is one of the better ideas.  Let's all get behind this one!

There are
less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the
next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of
all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity
as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the
candidate of our choice.

It's time
that we all come together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If
you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your
headlights on during the day. If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive
with your headlights off at night.

 I posted this once before but it is SO worth another look.... created by women for a men's rest room!!

 

 A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."


I found this one...cute and true huh?!

 Women are like apples on trees. The best ones
are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good
ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree.
                       Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin
as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of
marriage.
 When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate,
painful tirade
 listing every problem they had ever had
in the 20 years they had been
married.
 
She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable,
 an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over
the course
of their marriage.
 
Finally, after allowing this to go
on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the
desk and,
 after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her
passionately
as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
 
The
woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
 
The
therapist turned to the husband and said,
 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do
this?'
 
The husband
thought for a moment and replied,
 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I
fish.' 

 A recent survey on cigarettes found that 90% of the men who tried Camels still preferred women.

 Well though not an official joke I have to share the modified joke that just about made dh & I fall down laughing. Joseph (6) and Joshua (4) have been exploring knock knock jokes.  They make much more sense to Joseph but Joshua is determined that he will NOT be left behind...  With that in mind:

Joshua:  Pete and ReePete  were walking down the street.  Pete fell in a hole...  who was left?

Joseph:  ReePete

Joshua:  That's absolutely right Joseph.  Way to go!

Joseph:  You were supposed to say the joke again JOSHU!

Joshua:  Why?  You got the right answer already....

I don't have a funny joke, but I'd like to present you with the funniest word in the universe.

Crack. 

HAHAHAHA!  Oh man, it makes me laugh every time.  Crack is such a funny word.

MENSA INVITATIONAL
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4.  Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.  (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a  serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.):  The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at  three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, ?Do you have a size 28AAAA bra??
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, ?Do you have anything for this??

The lady looked closely at her and replied, ?Have you tried Clearasil??

  Subject: Dear Abby

  1/15/2008 Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me
from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with
his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter
went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and even hints
that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless
   ______________________________________________________

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need
him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running
for President of the  United States. Act like one! 

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one. As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the ohter one?"

HAHAHA That is SO like my mother in law! She'll give me several outfits for Christmas, and then expect me to wear them all at once! Like she should take the others back b/c I'm not wearing them at the moment that she comments on them....D'oh!!! LOL

 I am an accountant, so maybe I will be the only one to find this funny.....

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize label. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

 Here's one from me...

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

 WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe ''Buddy'' would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...



THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

 A young boy dressed as a cowboy goes into an icecream store and orders a sundae.  The lady behind the counter asks him if he wants chocolate syrup - "Yes, maam."  Lady - "Would you like whip cream?" Boy - "Yes, please."  Lady - "Like a cherry?" Boy - "Sure!"  Lady - "Would you like your nuts chopped"  Boy, whipping out his play pistols points them at the ladies chest and says "You want your titties shot off?"


Another boy joke:

Two young boys - 8 and 6, brothers, go into a grocery store.  As they check out the cashier notices they are buying a box of tampons.  She says, "Oh that is nice of you to buy these for your mom."   The oldest boy informs her they are not for their mom.  Lady - "Well, it is nice of you to buy these for your older sister."  Oldest boy - "We don't have an older sister."  Lady - "Then why are you buying these?"  Oldest boy - "Because the TV says you can wear these and ride a bike or swim.  My brother here can't do either."