ACOT Message Board

I need some ACOT wisdom and advice. My mother is in a Hospice House and it looks like the end could be very, very close. She is a Christian and knows her death will only be the beginning of a wonderful eternity.My problem is:  I have a younger brother and sister. (My dad passed 6 years ago).  My sister and I took care of her while we were able to keep mom home. My brother just kind of went on with his life and would stop in to see her for a few minutes a day.Now that she's in Hospice House, my brother has decided to stay there 24/7.  My sister is there almost as much. I really don't feel comfortable watching for mom's last breath to come.  Mom is semi-comatose to comatose. She hasn't been awake for 3 days now.  I'm feeling guilty that I don't want to sit with them constantly until mom passes. Should I stay with them just so I don't feel guilty later? 

Go and be there. It is so hard but it is also a privilege.We were with my mum when she was dying and it helped me with the grieving.Sending you kind and sympathetic thoughts.Christina

I  was with my mother when when she passed away (in a Hospice House) and would not trade that moment for anything.  I don't know how to describe it, but she knew we were all there.  Like Christina, it did help with the grieving.   However, you have to do what is most comfortable for you. I know what a difficult time this is for you...there is no right or wrong decision in this case. 

no you have to do what feels right for you...pray for answers

Joyce, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm sorry I have no advice since I haven't been there.Wanted to give you some ((((((((hugs))))))))).

I dont know that I have the advice you are looking for, I will agree its a comfort for you knowing you are there with her.  But unlike the other girls I wasnt with my mom but with my very very dear aunt whom I thought of as my mother.  I ran to the hospital the day before and I stayed with her until her last breath.  Our entire family was there and I was with her while she was awake and even after while she layed there for 12 more hours not awake.  I have to say it was the hardest thing I have ever went through, while I am glad in some aspects that I was there, in some ways it was not a good experience for me.   I had my great grandfather and great grandmother pass a few years before her and was bitter with family that they didnt call me and tell me it was time.  So I made sure I was there for my aunt, and that was extremely difficult to see her die.  I wont go into details but I live with that choice everyday, while I found peace being there the actual experience of watching a human being die was not peaceful at all.  I think you should be there but maybe if you feel uncomfortable just sit in a waiting room or in the room from a distance.   My aunt too was very strong in her faith and while she accepted death in a such a peaceful way I had a very hard time and still do dealing with the choice I made that day.   I hope you decide in your heart what you feel is best, but dont feel guitly if you dont think you can be right at her side, but maybe just there.  Your mother knows you loved her no matter what choice you make and thats all that matters.  I am so sorry you have to deal with this hard choice and may things be more peaceful for you very soon.hugs

Hugs to you.

From my own experience, I think you will regret it down the road if you don't go.  It's really, really difficult waiting, but if you are questioning whether you should go now, I think you'll only keep questioning yourself in the future.

I would say it depends on your relationship with your brother and sister....when my mil passed we all stayed at the hospital for 2 days, and the morning she died, we all sat up around her, even though she didn't wake up, to comfort and support each other.

Joyce, I'd go, too, if I was in your place.  Yes...it is hard, but as Christina said, it's also a priviledge and an opportunity that you will not get back again.  The family support, the shared event, the last chance to be with your mother....all reasons. Hugs to you; no matter what you decide, this is a difficult time.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

go,we were all wth our mom please go

Do what is right for you.  I haven't been in that experience before, but you need to do what is best for you.Hugs and prayers to you and your family. 

Personally, I couldn't handle that either. It is extremely difficult for me to even be in the same room during a viewing after a person has passed. I would have a hard time if I was waiting for the person to go, but it is your mother... so I would go for an hour each day so that you know you did make that sacrafice to be there.Here are lots of hugs!!!!!!

No advice just lots of (((HUGS)))

Do what feel right for you. I was with my mom and so were two of my daughters. However, one of them wishes that she hadn't been there. It was not dramatic. She just slowly stopped breathing and the monitors went flat. But my DD had nightmares for a long time.How close are you to the Hospice House? If you feel that you need to be with your family I am sure they would call you if they see that a change is coming if you ask them to.(((((HUGS)))))

If you can, put it aside and be there.


I didn't know my egg donor (she wasn't the motherly type to me and had disowned me) was ill until she'd passed away.    Even if she didn't want me around if I had known I'd have tried to contact her.    

It's not easy but it's better to do it then wish you had later.

Peace be with you.

Tough decision - I was there with my mom the evening just before she died (during the night) but I forever have that picture engrained in my head.  Not a happy thought.  I've never really thought about the fact that I wasn't there when she passed - I miss her tons but I've never regretted not being there at the very end. Either way - try to be at peace with your decision - choose what you think will make you the most comfortable. Hugs! 

i can only speak from hearing my SIL talk about her dad dying...it was very hard for her but she was so glad that she was there and it really really meant so much that she could talk to him before he went  and she told him it was okay if he wanted to let go, that everyone would be okay, and he did.  she felt that he could hear her and it gave her great comfort in knowing that.but you can only do what you feel comfortable with...you know in your heart what you want.big hugs!

I think I would go.  If you are already beating yourself up about it, you will probably feel guilty later.  Maybe you could go say goodbye or whatever makes you feel closure.

sending webby hugs. If it were me, I'd go.  If only so my siblings couldn't use it against me later  pahaha