ACOT Message Board

My oldest daughter is 23. She just graduated from college and has gotten an awesome job in business in 5 weeks since graduation. She's been dating a guy older than her for 4 years, almost 4 years. She expected an engagement ring at Christmas but did not get one, which was fine with me, if he is not ready, then he is not ready. We like the fellow quite a bit, but we do have a reservation in that he is not a Christian, and we are so that is a problem, but not one we do not think can be overcome. He is here every single weekend, they see each other once maybe during the week for dinner out or something. He works & lives about 45 minutes from here. He is an only child (an no malice intent meant towards only children), but he does seem to think of himself a bit.


Yesterday he was here, left and then called her up at 10:45pm freaked out because he had taken his blood pressure and it was high. He is a hypochondriac-- always thinking something is wrong with him physically and it is not. He is very healthy and eats healthily as well. This point bothers me some too. There will be tragedies in any life and she needs a strong man to lean on, not one that will fall apart at the slightest trauma. But that is an aside.



He ended up coming over here at 11:15pm last night to "talk"-- she went with him to get gas in his car. A few minutes later she calls me, frantic, hysterical- "Come get me, come get me" I thought there had been a terrible accident, so I asked her what was wrong. She was screaming "Joe's (name changed) been cheating on me." Her dad raced out of bed and went to pick her up. Her boyfriend followed her back to our house to talk and they were up til 1:45am. I was up too- not going to bed with all this drama going on. He finally left. She came in and talked to me briefly. He had been talking on the phone with a girl from New York for the last TWO years. He drove to Pa. last week to meet her half way. He told my daughter he was out of town on business from Wed- Sat. He ended up coming home on Thursday, 2 days early. He has told my daughter that as soon as he met the girl, he realized my daughter was the only one he wanted and he came home.

We are devastated- especially her. But he sent her flowers twice today at work, and came over this evening to talk and brought her more flowers, as well as gifts for me, my husband, my other daughter, our dog & our cat. A bit much. I told him my daughter needs some time to figure this out. I believe she will go back to him. I did talk to her last night about a few things, but we were both very tired and distraught, it was almost 2am, and she had to be at work by 8am. So we went to bed.



Tonight he came in and asked if my husband and I would meet him for dinner this week. He is either going to talk to us about all this fiasco, or ask to marry her. I think he is freaked out about losing her, but 2 years of deception on his part has not endeared me to him and I cannot give my blessing to this.

What would you do? I realize the ultimate decision is hers to make, but as parents I certainly feel like we have the right to say something to her, and him if the time arises. There are so many red flags here. Do you think it is possible he could remain faithful from now on? I am skeptical beyond belief. If any of you have experienced anything like this, I would surely like to hear from you.
Thank you.

My heart goes out to you. I think the hardest thing I have learned as the parent of grown children is to step back and let them make their own "mistakes". As their mom, I want what is best, and I too have seen red flags....BUT..... in the end they will make what choice they feel is right, no matter what we think or feel. All we can do is be there for them if and when they need us to be. Being a christian, as you are, keep praying that no matter what the outcome, God knows what is best! Have faith that things will happen as they are supposed to. You may voice your feelings, but know that it could backfire,as happened to me once, and it pushed them farther away. Thank God they came back, and things are fine now. So chose your words, I wish you all the luck!

Ultimately she will make the choice that suits her, irregardless of what you think. But I think she needs to sit down and re assess the whole thing. If he is asking for permission to marry her...don't give you blessing if that is what you truly feel.

I wonder what drove him to decide to tell her? Did someone else know and threaten to rat him out? Was that his attempt at beating someone else to the punch? Or is he truly sorry...you know him better then I do...so if the red flags go up trust your gut. Too many times we try to rationalize things out...and not always for what is best.

If he is truly committed to changing...then he won't object to counseling. I believe that some ministers offer this...or they can find one on their own.

I hate to admit it but my mom was right about my 2 ex boyfriends....she really was not fond of one of them. She actually told me to get the one outta the house one day. I didn't like it at the time..but you know what it was for the best. I met someone who is wonderful and who my parents like a lot...and he is amazing, so I am glad that my mom said what she did...but didn't force her opinion ( my mom and I are a lot alike...so that means we can lock horns at times).

I think your daughter should focus on her career. when you stop looking for someone you find the right one...or at least that is what happened to me.

I hope that you can get every thing figured out.

This is a tough situation. I believe that it takes a village to raise a child. I can't tell you how many times I have wished that I had my mom to ask advice from. I certainly sympathize with you as my dd is dating someone that I have reservation about. I have given her situation a lot of thought and decided that I would only tell her that I love her, and want what is best for her. Then I blew it and told her about my reservations. Oops. By the time, I finished I was crying. She was real good about it and is still talking with me. But I don't bring it up anymore. She is 42 yrs old and will make her own decisions. It looks like she is keeping the boyfriend since she is looking for a wedding dress. I feel that there is nothing more I can do if I want to maintain a good relationship with my dd. If she wants help or advice, she know where to go...me. How does all this apply to your situation? No clue. Just venting. But maybe we could form a Mom-to-adults group? I hope my situation will help put your mind at ease, at least.

I would definitely have a talk with her and let her know your reservations. When people are in love, they only see the good things, and when that love gets a little complacent, they start to see some of the other things, and they may not like them and be upset that you 'didn't tell them' if things really don't work out...... Just food for thought, it works both ways. parents are always dm'd if you do, dm'd if you don't.... I just always go for the upfront honesty, and my kids know that. Whether they like to hear what I have to say or not, at least they know and they are the ones that have to live with their decisions.

What a tough situation! I couldn't imagine my kids being that old so I will think about me being her age (3 years ago) I can honestly say I would have wanted to talk about it with my mom but not for her to tell me what to do just for support.. hopefully she really thinks long and hard about the fact that this has been going on for 2 long years half of their relationship!! I think that is the worst part of this.. the time.. if it was just a month and he went up there and realized it was a mistake .. it sucks but not as terrible as TWO years!! I know it's hard to just turn her back on him and I am not suggesting that just that she should focus on her career and if he is really commited to her he can prove it BEFORE they get married... this is the perfect time for you to show her support without trying to tell her what to do.. AT 23/26 I think we just want our parents to be there for us and support what we choose but not to yell and tell us what to do, I think a nice suggestion is great, I would definately Tell her how you guys feel about him, maybe that will help too.. I feel like if he askes for your daughter hand in marriage now, this story will always be tied to the engagement.. maybe tell him that if he ask.. I think they really need time to let the dust settle and move on together or apart.. I would tell my dd that too, that way hopefully she listens and takes her time to really think about what happened and how she feels.. I would hate for them to get married and the same thing happens or even if it doesn't she can't get over it and is resentful.. both are bad for a marriage.. anyways I hope this helps a little... All I can say is good luck to you and your DD.

I'm speaking as a daughter of a mom who pushed and I pushed....away. Thankfully, my mom and I are on the best terms now. She's my best friend and I go to her to seek advice and counsel ALL THE TIME about life stuff.

My parents HATED my ex-husband. Of course, they could see things that I refused to see and acknowledge. My mom made sure to tell me..many times. This just led to me resenting her and not talking to her for almost 10 years. That marriage obviously ended in divorce. I was young, just joined the USMC, and thought I knew everything. Of course, after a few years of worldly experience and some much needed maturing, I see that my mom was absolutely right.

Here's my advice to you. It all comes down to the relationship you have with your daughter. If she is super-close to you and seeks your guidance regularly, then give your thoughts but ONLY if she asks for them. Don't push it on her and understand and acknowledge that she is going to make the decision she feels is right for her, regardless if it's "right". She's an adult now and she needs you to be her friend and confidante, not a mom.

As for him, if he asks your for your blessing, NOT giving it to him COULD backfire on you in regards to your daughter because he WILL tell her that you said no. However, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to give it to him freely. You can give it to him under certain circumstances. Have him go through couples' counseling with your daughter first. Ask him WHY he decided after 2 years to come forward now. Ask him what his intentions are. There are some people that "cheat" ONE time and realize how awful it is. If he doesn't have a past history of being a liar or dishonest, than maybe he merits a thought of a second chance. Of course, this is a gamble too.

Just my two cents on your situation from someone who was on the other side of the mom-daughter coin. Hope it all works out either way and just be there for her regardless.

I have a 23 year old daughter as well....my gut reaction is to tell her to run and run fast! BUT this situation is between your DD and boyfriend.


My DD's first love was a tough one to watch her go through. I knew he wasn't a good guy or "right" for her but I had to keep my mouth shut about what a loser I thought he was. I believe that she finally figured it out (it took 3 years) bc she knew she could talk to me about him and I would not judge. I have always taken the approach of listening and giving insight. I tried not to make her feel "stupid" for being with him. It was very painful for me (and her) to journey through that relationship but she ultimately figured it out. The main thing is to keep the lines of communication open between you and your DD. It will take her some time to work through all she's just learned about him.



I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck!

Well, I'm not sure how much older he is, but if he's still in his early to mid twenties, it's very possible he just needed to see what was out there. He's been with the same girl for a few years, perhaps he hasn't had much chance to see what other options he has, if he's younger, so he checked it out. I know I dated a few people by the time I was 25 and met the guy I'm with now. It's only because I knew what was out there that I was ready to settle down with AJ. So he may just have needed that discovery.
But what does bother me is that it was 2 years, that's a long time to be "involved" with someone just to meet and discover you don't like her. What changed from talking online to that moment? She would be the same person, so was it just her appearance that made him change his mind? She needs to talk to him for sure and see how he answers questions and how he reacts to them. If it was just looks that kept him from wanting to see more of this other girl, than there is a high chance he would do it again. IMO. But if it was that the person he thought she was ending up being a lie, than that probably shook him out of it and really did make him relaize how wonderful a person, and rare, your daughter actually is.
And finally, I'm not sure if the Christian thing is a make or break thing, but don't force anything on him. I know for myself, I'm not a religious person, and I'd hate to have someone push something on me. Slowly integrate aspects into events or discussions, take it slowly. If he makes it to church with you one day, than make sure to make it a fun experience, as than he will have a higher chance of going back.

Not sure if any of this was helpful, but I wish you the best of luck and I hope your daughter has a good talk with both you and the boyfriend and makes a decision she is comfortable with. Big hugs!!

I didn't read the other responses. I'm sure you have gotten some really good advice though.


My advice is from my own experience. Before I married my ex-husband, there were many red flags that I ignored. I was older than your daughter, but I still wasn't experienced enough (apparently) to realize that what I was seeing would eventually become a huge issue. My parents knew about it and remained silent...letting me make my own decisions and mistakes. The only thing they said was, shortly before my wedding, my mother asked me if I really wanted to get married.



I wish my parents would have sat down with me and said "It's up to you. This is your life. We just want you to know that no matter what you decide, we will still love you. We see this & that happening and it concerns us and just want to make sure you've thought about it. If you decide to cancel the wedding, it's not the end of the world. We'll make it work. If you decide to go thru with it, we'll stand behind you."



That's all I needed to hear. As a result of hearing nothing...I didn't think about it. I just shoved common sense aside and blindly trudged forward.



I'm now divorced with 3 little girls.



My parents have been extremely supportive thru the divorce and all the drama it entails. They are fabulous grandparents. Now I know they would have been there for me even if I had cancelled everything at the last minute. But I needed to hear it then. If that makes sense. And I needed to hear them say "It's your decision" because if they had approached it in a more authoritative way...I would have rebelled.



What a tough situation...good luck to you!!

ChrissyTina wrote:I'm speaking as a daughter of a mom who pushed and I pushed....away. Thankfully, my mom and I are on the best terms now. She's my best friend and I go to her to seek advice and counsel ALL THE TIME about life stuff.

My parents HATED my ex-husband. Of course, they could see things that I refused to see and acknowledge. My mom made sure to tell me..many times. This just led to me resenting her and not talking to her for almost 10 years. That marriage obviously ended in divorce. I was young, just joined the USMC, and thought I knew everything. Of course, after a few years of worldly experience and some much needed maturing, I see that my mom was absolutely right.

Here's my advice to you. It all comes down to the relationship you have with your daughter. If she is super-close to you and seeks your guidance regularly, then give your thoughts but ONLY if she asks for them. Don't push it on her and understand and acknowledge that she is going to make the decision she feels is right for her, regardless if it's "right". She's an adult now and she needs you to be her friend and confidante, not a mom.

As for him, if he asks your for your blessing, NOT giving it to him COULD backfire on you in regards to your daughter because he WILL tell her that you said no. However, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to give it to him freely. You can give it to him under certain circumstances. Have him go through couples' counseling with your daughter first. Ask him WHY he decided after 2 years to come forward now. Ask him what his intentions are. There are some people that "cheat" ONE time and realize how awful it is. If he doesn't have a past history of being a liar or dishonest, than maybe he merits a thought of a second chance. Of course, this is a gamble too.

Just my two cents on your situation from someone who was on the other side of the mom-daughter coin. Hope it all works out either way and just be there for her regardless.

Totally awesome advice!!! You should be a counselor!! And by the way.... thank you for your service! ;)

I honestly believe you are correct in your reservations. Chances are great that he cannot and will not be faithful to your daughter based on this 2 year deception. You also don't really know the whole story of what went on and the whole story with the other woman, and if there have been others. I would tell your daughter certainy dont jump into anything right now. Give it time - lots of time she has her whole life ahead. Sounds like red flag to trouble to me.

craftyfool wrote:I didn't read the other responses. I'm sure you have gotten some really good advice though.


My advice is from my own experience. Before I married my ex-husband, there were many red flags that I ignored. I was older than your daughter, but I still wasn't experienced enough (apparently) to realize that what I was seeing would eventually become a huge issue. My parents knew about it and remained silent...letting me make my own decisions and mistakes. The only thing they said was, shortly before my wedding, my mother asked me if I really wanted to get married.



I wish my parents would have sat down with me and said "It's up to you. This is your life. We just want you to know that no matter what you decide, we will still love you. We see this & that happening and it concerns us and just want to make sure you've thought about it. If you decide to cancel the wedding, it's not the end of the world. We'll make it work. If you decide to go thru with it, we'll stand behind you."



That's all I needed to hear. As a result of hearing nothing...I didn't think about it. I just shoved common sense aside and blindly trudged forward.



I'm now divorced with 3 little girls.



My parents have been extremely supportive thru the divorce and all the drama it entails. They are fabulous grandparents. Now I know they would have been there for me even if I had cancelled everything at the last minute. But I needed to hear it then. If that makes sense. And I needed to hear them say "It's your decision" because if they had approached it in a more authoritative way...I would have rebelled.



What a tough situation...good luck to you!!

Great response. Wish some of my friends, and maybe my parents would have said this to me before I married my second dh.

letumom wrote:

craftyfool wrote:I didn't read the other responses. I'm sure you have gotten some really good advice though.


My advice is from my own experience. Before I married my ex-husband, there were many red flags that I ignored. I was older than your daughter, but I still wasn't experienced enough (apparently) to realize that what I was seeing would eventually become a huge issue. My parents knew about it and remained silent...letting me make my own decisions and mistakes. The only thing they said was, shortly before my wedding, my mother asked me if I really wanted to get married.



I wish my parents would have sat down with me and said "It's up to you. This is your life. We just want you to know that no matter what you decide, we will still love you. We see this & that happening and it concerns us and just want to make sure you've thought about it. If you decide to cancel the wedding, it's not the end of the world. We'll make it work. If you decide to go thru with it, we'll stand behind you."



That's all I needed to hear. As a result of hearing nothing...I didn't think about it. I just shoved common sense aside and blindly trudged forward.



I'm now divorced with 3 little girls.



My parents have been extremely supportive thru the divorce and all the drama it entails. They are fabulous grandparents. Now I know they would have been there for me even if I had cancelled everything at the last minute. But I needed to hear it then. If that makes sense. And I needed to hear them say "It's your decision" because if they had approached it in a more authoritative way...I would have rebelled.



What a tough situation...good luck to you!!

Great response. Wish some of my friends, and maybe my parents would have said this to me before I married my second dh.

I agree too. I often wonder what might have happened if my dad had said something to me. But I also wouldn't have the kids I love, so i can't say all was bad. I don't know what to say about this....but I wish you luck and that you are given the right words to say.

MOM2SNOX wrote:

ChrissyTina wrote:... time and realize how awful it is. If he doesn't have a past history of being a liar or dishonest, than maybe he merits a thought of a second chance. Of course, this is a gamble too.

Just my two cents on your situation from someone who was on the other side of the mom-daughter coin. Hope it all works out either way and just be there for her regardless.

Totally awesome advice!!! You should be a counselor!! And by the way.... thank you for your service!

I'm actually majoring in psychology.

It's a tough, sad, stressful situation for all involved, but here's my advice (which is kind of similar to others')...

No matter what YOUR qualms about this man, they might not be your daughter's. I really think that the only thing you would have reason to discuss would be the unfaithfulness - that's something you can all agree is an issue, but she might not see eye-to-eye on the other things (and maybe she won't even see eye-to-eye about the unfaithfulness anymore!). You don't want to end up pushing her away (then she might just do something to tick you off on purpose!), and despite screwing up BIG TIME in letting this side-fling go for 2 years, this guy IS making an attempt to make good.

Sadly enough, I can understand his side of the story, too - sometimes it takes "someone else" to make you realize things you never knew about relationships. I was the person (about a year ago) telling my ex that there was "someone else." I was in a very very long distance relationship (trans-Atlantic kind of long), we were having difficulties with immigration, I was stressed out, nervous, and scared sick that being with him might not be the best decision, and then *poof* enter my current boyfriend. We started talking and spending a little time together as friends, and I realized that I was falling in love, and he was someone I could truly be comfortable with (when I wasn't' 100% sure about the ex).

I, however, didn't let it get romantic, and didn't let it go 2 years. Barely even 2 weeks. I told the ex, and we broke it off - it hurt like he**, but I truly thought it'd be best if we could try to find love closer to home. He, of course didn't see it the same way (and now he's dating someone named Amber who is also from Wisconsin - yes, I'm pretty creeped out by that!), but I know that it was the right decision, unfortunately it took a slap in the face from "someone else" for me to make it. It could've easily gone the other way - I could've realized that I really wanted to be with the ex, just like your daughter's boyfriend did (and I still wonder what "might've been" but I've also recently become severely pi**ed at the guy, so I probably would've ended up miserable).

This being said, hear the guy out (and you don't have to give a blessing, but I wouldn't just flat out say no - like others, offer some conditions like counseling!), and let your daughter work through this, just be super supportive. She's going to need some "normalcy" in her life as she works through this, and you can provide that for her. If she specifically ASKS for your thoughts about something specific, tell her the truth, but only if she asks - unsolicited advice might hurt more than it helps!

You've been given a lot of great advice. I just have to add (coming from someone who married a man and my parents DID NOT approve of at first). They said some VERY hurtful things and although they have made a 180 turn around and love my dh and my children and we have forgiven each other....those painful words are still part of my memories. I wish I could erase them.

I made the decision to marry my husband and we are happily married for almost 11 years now. I was also 23 at the time and I was going to do it regardless of whether they approved or not. I know my mom in particular regrets saying some of the things she did about my dh and we have told her that we forgive her. I guess I am just saying that I am agreeing with someone else who said...

THE RELATIONSHIP with your daughter is the MOST important thing. If she asks for your advice then give it to her, I am not saying sugar coat it, but just remember this man may be your future son in law so choose your words carefully. This is a very tough situation, I am sorry you are going through this stressful time. Hang in there.

ChrissyTina wrote:I'm speaking as a daughter of a mom who pushed and I pushed....away. Thankfully, my mom and I are on the best terms now. She's my best friend and I go to her to seek advice and counsel ALL THE TIME about life stuff.

My parents HATED my ex-husband. Of course, they could see things that I refused to see and acknowledge. My mom made sure to tell me..many times. This just led to me resenting her and not talking to her for almost 10 years. That marriage obviously ended in divorce. I was young, just joined the USMC, and thought I knew everything. Of course, after a few years of worldly experience and some much needed maturing, I see that my mom was absolutely right.

Here's my advice to you. It all comes down to the relationship you have with your daughter. If she is super-close to you and seeks your guidance regularly, then give your thoughts but ONLY if she asks for them. Don't push it on her and understand and acknowledge that she is going to make the decision she feels is right for her, regardless if it's "right". She's an adult now and she needs you to be her friend and confidante, not a mom.

As for him, if he asks your for your blessing, NOT giving it to him COULD backfire on you in regards to your daughter because he WILL tell her that you said no. However, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to give it to him freely. You can give it to him under certain circumstances. Have him go through couples' counseling with your daughter first. Ask him WHY he decided after 2 years to come forward now. Ask him what his intentions are. There are some people that "cheat" ONE time and realize how awful it is. If he doesn't have a past history of being a liar or dishonest, than maybe he merits a thought of a second chance. Of course, this is a gamble too.

Just my two cents on your situation from someone who was on the other side of the mom-daughter coin. Hope it all works out either way and just be there for her regardless.

This is What I was trying to say the pushing usually backfires because we don't understand how much our mother's know or are right at the time. I am just not as awesome as Christina, to put it in words so well. SO Can I just say ditto lol! Oh and let me add I also got married at a young age 18 and my mom was against it, she pushed hard that we almost lost or relationship.. now 8 years later she loves my hubby like a son but the hurt is always in the background...

Your daughter needs to make her own decisions on this young man. Be there for her and answer her questions truthfully, but don't interject you should do advice. That type of advice for teenagers and early 20 something tends to push them in the opposite direction. I think the advice you received which everyone liked was great. I'd follow that bit of advice.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM. I READ THEM WITH TEARS IN MY EYES. I AM SO STRESSED ABOUT THIS SITUATION.
I HAVE HEARD FROM MANY OF YOU NOT TO PUSH MY OPINIONS OR ADVICE ON MY DAUGHTER AND I AM GOING TO TAKE THAT ADVICE. I WILL TELL HER TONIGHT THAT I AM HERE, ALWAYS, TO TALK, IF SHE WANTS TO, BUT I WILL NOT PUSH OR NOSE IN. SHE KNOWS I AM ALWAYS WILLING TO TALK- I AM A VERY OPEN PERSON AND SHE IS MUCH MORE CLOSED MOUTH. BUT I WILL LET HER KNOW IF SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT, I WILL TALK TO HER OF COURSE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. I HAVE TO MAKE THE DATE WITH HIM TO HAVE DINNER, I THINK NOW THAT HE JUST WANTS TO APOLOGIZE AND EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HUSBAND AND I- WHICH IS FINE, I WILL LISTEN. I DO HAVE SOME THINGS TO SAY, BUT THEY WILL BE SAID KINDLY AND NOT VICIOUSLY. HE REALLY BETRAYED HER LOVE AND TRUST, AND OURS AS WELL. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.