ACOT Message Board

I'll try to keep this brief. Today is my b-day and I have been mentioning it to dh for about the last 3 weeks. He asked me what I wanted and then he got me a new cell phone. He gave that to me last week and it's wonderful (even though I don't have it all figured out yet). I had asked him if he could take today off because I did....answer No.

I asked him if he could try to come home early like around 5/6 and we could go out to dinner. He said 'ok I'll try to do that'.

He works at a casino and I get the monthly flyer because I play there once and a while. So the Feb. flyer comes and I see that on Monday nights they are having Karioke (sp) night. I say "Please do not sign up on the 8th to judge the contest"....he basically says "why not" which angers me but I say "because that is my b-day" "Oh ok".

Last Thursday we are having a great discussion after he gets home and sharing our days etc. All of a sudden he says "oh, you are going to be really made but my boss asked me to judge the contest for her Monday night". I stopped dead in my tracks and say "What?" so he goes on and on about how nice of email she sent asking him to do it and blah blah blah ('cause I sort of stopped listening). I went absolutely crazy. (embarrassed to admit but I did and it wasn't pretty). I even told him not to try and make up for it and do something sweet or end up coming home early or getting me flowers or something like that. I spent the last 3 hours of the night in my office and when I came out to go to bed he was already in bed and asleep.

Friday morning was a little frigid but I did kiss him goodbye before he left for work. Friday night he came home with groceries because of all the snow we got (at about 11 at night) I had already gone shopping but I did tell him that it was nice of him to do that, etc.

Last night he says "I know this isn't going to make up for my **mistake** but if you want I will come home and get you and take you back up (we still have bad roads) and then you can watch the contest and I will buy you dinner. (he doesn't actually pay $ for it)

So first I said "no thank you" and now of course I feel really guilty for being so angry and I feel like I should go because he is trying to be nice. A girl @ work told him that I was really lying and I did want him to try to make up for it....not true. I am furious and I am so angry. I sacrifice all holidays and spend them alone because of his profession. I spent 1 1/2 hours freezing on Saturday trying to dig our car out because he felt like he 'had' to go to work. (1/2 our roads were closed and they were asking us to stay off of them)

So what would you do? Go?????? even though that's not what you want to do? Or just stick to your guns

THanks for reading this long thing.

I would probably go, because it's a better alternative that sitting home and sulking alone on your birthday (although you have every right to be mad since you told him in advance).

I'm really stubborn and hold grudges. I personally wouldn't go. Its not like you ask a lot. Its your birthday! It only comes around once a year. You comprised on him working he could've explained to his boss it was his wife's birthday. It didn't even sound like he wanted to, or tried. I'm sorry I'm too stubborn. I would order me in food and rent a movie I really wanted to see Itunes has a few good ones for rent right now

Go...be the peacemaker...don't let the argument last any longer than it has. Husbands are a work-in-progress. If you don't go, he'll think there's no way to please you. He's trying to make things right, even though they can't be perfect. Enjoy your birthday, kiddo.

LyndaKay wrote:Go...be the peacemaker...don't let the argument last any longer than it has. Husbands are a work-in-progress. If you don't go, he'll think there's no way to please you. He's trying to make things right, even though they can't be perfect. Enjoy your birthday, kiddo.

I agree.

Sounds like you really do not want to go, so I say do not go. It might end up making you even more resentful. Since the roads are bad and you can't go out with family/friends, spend the evening doing something relaxing and enjoyable to you -- take a long bath, watch a movie, maybe scrapbook? And let the anger go.


I think you and your husband have different attitudes/expectations about birthdays and holidays. Sit down with him in a calm time soon and discuss this. If it was me I would tell him that I have given it some thought and realized that he just doesn't think birthdays are such a big deal and from now on you will not expect him to treat them as such. Don't make a big deal out of his birthday, and if he has to work, make your own plans for your birthday.



I can tell you that my own husband has never had a clue about what to give me for gifts. After several years of receiving gifts that HE really wanted (like DirecTV for Xmas one year!), I told him that I had everything I needed and was able to buy anything I really wanted myself, so for gifts all I wanted was a nice card or some chocolate. Changing my expectations, accepting that which I cannot change, has made me much happier. I hope it helps you, too.

I guess it depends on how badly you want to make your point. Do you want to sit at home and keep being upset and miserable or go with him and risk the chance of having fun. BTW, I would have been upset too. Sometimes guys are just so thick. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lilkoala3 wrote:

LyndaKay wrote:Go...be the peacemaker...don't let the argument last any longer than it has. Husbands are a work-in-progress. If you don't go, he'll think there's no way to please you. He's trying to make things right, even though they can't be perfect. Enjoy your birthday, kiddo.

I agree.

me, too

LyndaKay wrote:Go...be the peacemaker...don't let the argument last any longer than it has. Husbands are a work-in-progress. If you don't go, he'll think there's no way to please you. He's trying to make things right, even though they can't be perfect. Enjoy your birthday, kiddo.

I agree with this too. And Happy Birthday.

I think you need to pick your battles. My birthday isn't that important to me (probably because I've had so many) and I'd go. But you need to do what you feel is right for you.

jcsmaestra wrote:

lilkoala3 wrote:

LyndaKay wrote:Go...be the peacemaker...don't let the argument last any longer than it has. Husbands are a work-in-progress. If you don't go, he'll think there's no way to please you. He's trying to make things right, even though they can't be perfect. Enjoy your birthday, kiddo.

I agree.

me, too

I'm in this camp. Even though it didn't turn out as you hoped, enjoy your birthday.

wimom wrote:Sounds like you really do not want to go, so I say do not go. It might end up making you even more resentful. Since the roads are bad and you can't go out with family/friends, spend the evening doing something relaxing and enjoyable to you -- take a long bath, watch a movie, maybe scrapbook? And let the anger go.


I think you and your husband have different attitudes/expectations about birthdays and holidays. Sit down with him in a calm time soon and discuss this. If it was me I would tell him that I have given it some thought and realized that he just doesn't think birthdays are such a big deal and from now on you will not expect him to treat them as such. Don't make a big deal out of his birthday, and if he has to work, make your own plans for your birthday.



I can tell you that my own husband has never had a clue about what to give me for gifts. After several years of receiving gifts that HE really wanted (like DirecTV for Xmas one year!), I told him that I had everything I needed and was able to buy anything I really wanted myself, so for gifts all I wanted was a nice card or some chocolate. Changing my expectations, accepting that which I cannot change, has made me much happier. I hope it helps you, too.

I totally agree with this.

I'm in the minority . . . it sounds like you don't want to spend your birthday that way, especially since you mentioned how you sacrifice other holidays because of his job. You'll be sitting in the one place that already irritates you. If it were me, I'd pass.


That doesn't mean that you should hang on to the argument. You can end that - thank him for the offer and just tell him you would have more fun at home. It sounds like the only reason you'd be going is to make HIM feel better not because you really want to. It's your birthday - tell him to come home and make you dinner!

wimom wrote:Sounds like you really do not want to go, so I say do not go. It might end up making you even more resentful. Since the roads are bad and you can't go out with family/friends, spend the evening doing something relaxing and enjoyable to you -- take a long bath, watch a movie, maybe scrapbook? And let the anger go.


I think you and your husband have different attitudes/expectations about birthdays and holidays. Sit down with him in a calm time soon and discuss this. If it was me I would tell him that I have given it some thought and realized that he just doesn't think birthdays are such a big deal and from now on you will not expect him to treat them as such. Don't make a big deal out of his birthday, and if he has to work, make your own plans for your birthday.



I can tell you that my own husband has never had a clue about what to give me for gifts. After several years of receiving gifts that HE really wanted (like DirecTV for Xmas one year!), I told him that I had everything I needed and was able to buy anything I really wanted myself, so for gifts all I wanted was a nice card or some chocolate. Changing my expectations, accepting that which I cannot change, has made me much happier. I hope it helps you, too.

I agree with this

jcsmaestra wrote:

lilkoala3 wrote:

LyndaKay wrote:Go...be the peacemaker...don't let the argument last any longer than it has. Husbands are a work-in-progress. If you don't go, he'll think there's no way to please you. He's trying to make things right, even though they can't be perfect. Enjoy your birthday, kiddo.

I agree.

me, too

I'm w/them. I'd be tempted not to but I'd regret it later.

Don't hold the grudge. It will make you bitter for a long time.

If this is the worse thing that you and your husband disagree on, compromise. THis is one of his limitations. He just may not see birthdays as special as you do. Would he expect you to drop what you were doing for him ?

You need to have some dialog about what you expect and what he expects for his birthday and what each of you is willing to compromise on.

I would go too. In the long run it's better to keep the peace - he already knows your feelings on it - husbands just don't seem to get it and the wives seem to be the ones keeping the relationship going. Try and let go of the anger and have a good birthday

Laura wrote:I'm in the minority . . . it sounds like you don't want to spend your birthday that way, especially since you mentioned how you sacrifice other holidays because of his job. You'll be sitting in the one place that already irritates you. If it were me, I'd pass.


That doesn't mean that you should hang on to the argument. You can end that - thank him for the offer and just tell him you would have more fun at home. It sounds like the only reason you'd be going is to make HIM feel better not because you really want to. It's your birthday - tell him to come home and make you dinner!

I agree with Laura. I also have a DH who seems not to think Bdays are important. I have always had to treat myself to special days!

This is only my opinion, but I would go. Life is too short to waste time being angry, even though you have a riight to be angry. Anger can get in the way of the important things in life. I definitely would explain to my husband about how much it hurt me. After you have that discussion, let it go. I'm not trying to minimize your pain, but to continue being angry will only hurt you more. Good luck !

For those people who said to be the peacemaker, don't you worry this is sort of encouraging more behavoir like this in the long run? I would probably go as its better than being alone on your birthday but I would have it known that I felt disrepected, and that I did not want him to think I was always just going to roll over. A marriage has to have respect. Make sure you talk about it calmly, tell him with out getting too angry why you were upset, and that you do not want him to disrespect you like that in the future.