ACOT Message Board

Ok - you may know the situation with my relationship with some of my family.

I lived with my aunt Marion and her husband for almost 7 years. It was a very abusive (physically and emotionally) relationship for me. When I met John she told me that if he's marry me I should take up the offer because after all, I was no prize, and should take what I could get.

I was never as good as her kids (even though I'm doing better than any of them and so are my kids)

Well, Aunt Marion hasn't spoken to me since my mother died almost 2 years ago because she didn't like the way I handled things. Uncle Bob (her brother) didn't like it either. Both have been and still are pissed at me (they decided to get involved -no idea why since neither of them had had anything to do with my mother for years.)

AUnt Marion wouldn't go to Aunt Julia's birthday party last year because I went.

Aunt Marion was very ill last summer and I sent her a card saying I cared. (I do - I don't wish anyone illness)She told Aunt Marie that she supposed she would 'have to call' me. That was almost a year ago and I've not heard from her or my cousins.



Aunt Marion is also the one who said that if Aunt Julia's brain tumor is terminal to just let her be. (Yeah - she has a heart like an ice cube)

Well, I just got a call from Aunt Marie. AUnt Marion had a heart attack this morning and is in the hospital. She wanted me to know.

I spent a LOT of time in therapy learning that any contact, let alone a relationship with those people, is toxic to me.



I care - but I will not go visit. Partly because I wouldn't past her to throw me out of the hospital room! I don't even want to send another card.

I can't bear the thought of being rejected again.

I can still pray that all goes well for her - but I just can't bring myself to do anything more than that.

How wrong am I in this?

Don't tell me what you think I want to hear - but your real opinions, please.

I don't know you or your history so my opinion will be totally un-biased. First of all, I'm sorry for all you've been through. I think it says mountains about you that you continue to pray and care about your Aunt. It sounds like you are not bitter, but self-protective, which is wise in my opinion. If it were me, I would send a card. I never expect responses from cards so not getting one wouldn't bother me. Sometimes, when people are feeling their own mortality, they need to know that they are forgiven - even if they've never asked for forgiveness. Either way, I think you'll know that you did the right thing by keeping her in your prayers and letting her know that you're praying for her. That's my 2 cents anyways!

I think that anyone who can overcome an abusive relationship must be a very strong person, so congratulate yourself on that.


I'm sure it's a struggle at times to decide between what you want to do and what you feel you "should" do. And for me, "should" is a negative word, it means that you're thinking of what someone else would do in your situation and feel guilty that you're not doing it. So STOP!



You've done your best to be the bigger person, sent cards and prayed for her. Your aunt sounds like a woman who thrives on others' pain and misery. She doesn't feel complete unless she's putting someone else down, so I pity her. You're doing the right thing. If going to see her will do nothing to change her and only cause you pain, then don't. Do what you're doing, and put the past behind you. Forget what your other family members feel, because they aren't you.



And as far as never being as good as her kids, I'm almost positive that the only reason she acted like they were better was because she recognized that you are a good person and felt jealous that her kids weren't. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree usually)



There's my 2 cents, take it or leave it.

Just because she is a relative does not mean you should go. Like you said...it is a toxic relationship...I would stay away.

My real opinion is that sometimes we do ALL we can do to put effort into a relationship and it just doesn't work out. I think you have tried to patch things up and the weight rested/s on her at this point. You know how things will go down and don't need to go out of a sense of obligation.

Think of it this way: if you know your appearance in her hospital room would cause stress to an already cold and ill heart, why make it worse? Maybe the status quo is better for her health than your presence is? Some people really are toxic. SHE made the choice to take your relationship here, not you!

I would send a card. Or maybe have some balloons or small flowers delivered. Or maybe send a cookie bouquet if she's been told to loose weight!!!:winkb:

I am not sure if this is the correct answer or not. But, for me, I would write her a letter or even just a quick note to let her know that you are thinking of her and leave it at that. But I am easily offended and hold a grudge forever so I would not give her the satisfaction of going there unless she asked for me.

Thank you all.

I do realize that just because they are related doesn't make them family.

Family are people that care about you.

I'll send off a card saying that I am praying for her recovery and leave it at that.



immom2anc said "And as far as never being as good as her kids, I'm almost positive that the only reason she acted like they were better was because she recognized that you are a good person and felt jealous that her kids weren't. "


Well, this is what her mother in law would say about it - and what Aunt Marie has told me many times. If she puts me down then her kids (all adults as most of her grandkids are adults too) look better.

I do feel bad for Aunt Marion in so many ways. She always looked down her nose at people in our family who had kids without getting married - and her granddaughter had 6 kids and never got married - and who lives on welfare. She has been very vocal about gays and has a gay granddaughter. And that's the tip of the iceberg.

I must say that since I've cut my ties with that branch of the family that I've been happier and less stressed. I do have a debt of gratitude because even those harsh ugly days of living there have taught me some good things. And I'm grateful that I've been able to put aside at least most of my bitterness (thanks to a great therapist) and get on with the wonderful life I have now.


As I said in another post yesterday - I'm blessed.

So - thanks for reinforcing my gut feelings on this. I appreciate you all.

I agree with the other cherries, don't put yourself in a situation where she can hurt you again. Sending a card says you care, & I say God bless you for being such a wonderful person who can rise above the bitterness & still care.

Just saw this post, looks like the cherries gave some good advice. I think I would probably send a card too. Maybe with a note. Pretty sure I would not go there. Some relationships just aren't good for us! You need to do what's good for you.

I'm glad you feel better about the situation and your decision. I do agree with the other ladies that I probably wouldn't go. I might send a card but other than that I would keep my distance.


Good luck, sweetie! (((HUGS)))

I do not know. I bet you will go because you are a bigger person


HUGS!!!

What's important is your own mental and emotional wellbeing. It doesn't sound like there's anything you can do for this woman, or that she'd even want you to. You're going to pray for her and that is fine. You're a far better person, IMHO.

Uh... My real opinion is that your Aunt Marion, hospitalized or not, can suck it. You're too good to have to deal with her crap.

I think you're definitely making the right decision for you Gloria...I can only imagine all of the pain this woman has caused you over the years. She doesn't deserve more than you're willing to give at this point. You may feel guilty, but that's probably just some old feelings she's put on you in the past. She DEFINITELY doesn't deserve to make you feel guilty after all you've been through with her.

Kara wrote:I do not know. I bet you will go because you are a bigger person


HUGS!!!

No, Kara. I won't go. Not on a bet.

That I know will not happen. She was complaining to Aunt Marie about a week ago about something I did that she didn't like when I was a teenager. That's over 40 years ago.

If she has nothing more to find fault with now that she has to go back 40 years she's got serious issues.

I can't go. IT's a matter of self preservation.

The card is my limit.

Hugs to you! You are clearly a strong and caring person. I agree that a card is more than enough here.

Hi. I'm so sorry... and I want to hug you. My dad died last year. We had a difficult, painful and abusive relationship. On my 17th birthday, he told me that he did not think I was his child. I struggled with my feelings for many, many years. I never wanted anything except for him to love me. To be accepted and loved for who I am. Finally, when he was getting worse, I wrote him a letter. It was short. I apologized for anything I had ever done that might have hurt him, and I told him I forgave him for anything he did that hurt me. I told him that I loved him, that I had always loved him, and that I would pray for him for the rest of my life. I saw him the night he died, at the ER. It was the first time I had seen him in probably 8 years. He was past recognizing me by the time I was notified and arrived (another very long story). I told him I loved him and to go in peace. I can live with this. I hope and pray that you will find the path you need to walk right now - to be able to live with your decision. It is not easy - please know that I am here if you would like to talk. I am a pm away, ok? Follow your heart and do what's right for YOU.

ScrapGoo wrote:My real opinion is that sometimes we do ALL we can do to put effort into a relationship and it just doesn't work out. I think you have tried to patch things up and the weight rested/s on her at this point. You know how things will go down and don't need to go out of a sense of obligation.

Think of it this way: if you know your appearance in her hospital room would cause stress to an already cold and ill heart, why make it worse? Maybe the status quo is better for her health than your presence is? Some people really are toxic. SHE made the choice to take your relationship here, not you!

I feel the same. (((HUGS))))

It's hard to know what is the "right" decision. But you already know the answer. You have that fear of your Aunt for a reason. Only you know if it is rational or irrational for sure. I'll trust your judgment on this one. And you should too!

Hugs! Doing the "right" thing isn't always easy.
(and that can mean staying away, too!)
Thinking about it, it says a lot that you are willing to jump into Aunt Marion's fire again to comfort her, when she has shown you nothing but negative feelings.