ACOT Message Board

 LONG!

My SO is a darling man. Always worked hard to provide for his kids and (now ex) wife. Sometimes working 2-3 jobs,overtime - whatever was needed to bring in $$$.

This is what the wife wanted - to be able to give the kids whatever they wanted.

He adored her and them so this is what he did. The kids always had the best of everything. He shopped at K-mart, thrift stores for him. IT didn't matter - wife and kids are happy. Even after daughter is married, they 'help' her and her husband financially - for the good of the grandkids.

Fast forward 38 years. Wife needs to 'find herself' and ups and leaves (after having run up massive credit card bills he didn't know about) and being who he is, he doens't fight her for their stuff during the divorce so she cleans him out.

Now he can no longer give his (adult) kids the money that he used to.

Kids turn on him. Daughter only allows him to see the grands when he does what she wants (gives her $$)

Things go from bad to worse. He cuts off all contact with them.

I meet him and being the optimist, say, "OH! You have to try to have a relationship with them." (HE said they were evil - but how could a wonderful man like him have kids as evil as he says they are? I'm wrong!) He tries - mostly for my sake. The kids prove me wrong.

Things are so bad with his daughter that I have to call local police to call her to stop calling and emailing me at my work. This cop calls me back and tells me, Be careful - this woman is crazy.

His daughter had been told to not contact us again.

(A couple days after this I start getting calls and emails at work for insurance sales, home repairs - and then we get them at home. I can't prove it, but we think his daughter signed us up for this crap)

IT's now been a year.

We have a message on our voice mail at home from daughter. She said she knows she is not supposed to call but she had her wallet stolen in the comic book store the day before and it had all of her son's college tuition money in it - in CASH. (Ok, who in their right mind carries their child's college tuitition in cash? But this is the kind of story she comes up with)

She was calling to tell him that her license has her name on it as FIRST MAIDEN-MARRIED. So if someone calls here saying they have her wallet to please call her - they need to get the tuition money to the college for next year (I work at a college and I know for a fact that if your kid is not starting until September that the tuition doesn't have to be there until just before check -in - not 6 months ahead of time)

Oh - Bud's last name is common - so there are 2 columns of this last name in the phone book. His real first name starts with W, so the listing for his number is the 3rd from the last in the book. I doubt that anyone will spend the day calling everyone in the book to ask if they 'lost' a wallet.

The phone call from his daughter upsets Bud so much. IT ripped him apart. He said I should have just erased it before he got home. I don't feel that I should erase any message from his kids without him hearing it. But I can't stand seeing him in this emotional pain. We were up for almost 3 hours past our normal bedtime talking about this. He was so torn up. He wants nothing more to do with her and her brother. When we move he does not plan to let them know. Doens't want them to know. HE said that when he dies he does not want me to notify them. They are nothing to him.

So -Dear All Knowing Borg, would you delete all messages from his kids in the future? Doesn't he have the right to know that they called?

How about I ask him to put in writing that he wants me to delete all messages so that if any crap comes up again and there is an issue with his kids that I have it in his writing that he directed me to delete the message?

What would you do?

 I think I'd probably listen to and save the messages, but not push him listen to them, just tell him there was a call and let him decide if he wants to hear it.

 I voted for letting him listen and delete the message.  Not to be cruel but....he's a big boy.  Just b/c the daughter called doesn't mean he has to do anything about it.  I'm a big believer in letting the parent deal with the kid issues (even if they are adult kids).  I totally get that it's heart wrenching and my heart goes out to you both.

 I vote that he needs to be the one to delete them. 

SG_Becky wrote: I think I'd probably listen to and save the messages, but not push him listen to them, just tell him there was a call and let him decide if he wants to hear it.

Ditto So sorry you guys have to go through this.

SG_Becky wrote: I think I'd probably listen to and save the messages, but not push him listen to them, just tell him there was a call and let him decide if he wants to hear it.

I voted for the first option, because it was closest to this.  Listen to them and let me know they are there in case he does want to listen to them.

 I'd go with Becky's suggestion. 

And, I feel your pain.  When I met my husband, he had notihing to do with his family.  I told him that was crazy....he needed to make some effort if not for the family, then for his younger brothers.  Ugh.  After 10 years of being belittled, chastized, and badgered by his mother, he cut off all contact with her 18 months ago.  Our home is much more peaceful now.  He did, however, build much stronger relationships with his brothers, so we did get something positive out of it. 

 I agree with what Becky suggested. At least he is aware there is a message and if he decides not to listen to it, then it is on him, not you. It's really sad that you both have to go through this.

 I'd let him know there was a message and make him decide whether he wants to listen/delete it and what he wants to do about it.  That way he cannot blame you in any way later on.  I also question whether or not this money was truly stolen!  This girl does sound like she has a screw loose and I have to wonder if she's using her own child to extort money from her father.  Just my opinion, but then, I see the evil side of everyone, comes with my job unfortunately

 Sorry your're going through this!  (((HUGS))).

 The man you decribed could have been my husband...He is very supportive caring and giving. He gives all he's got including the shirt on his back, but once he has been hurt bad- he doesnt allow himself to be humiliated like that again so he avoids all contact. We had the same situation with an eldest son- who we still love and hope someday he gets his head out of his butt. but for the meantime, due to his son turning hostile after we loaned him so much money, and he blew off paying his dad back, even though he makes more than his dad now... but it was other issues besides money. His son blames him for not being there when he was growing up.  My husband was in the military and all over the world, his ex didnt allow or work with his crazy army schedule for visitations so my husband missed out on alot and now his son pulls the pity party routine- even in his near 30's. His son doesnt allow us to see our grandson, or even speak to us. Basically cause his dad tried to be a dad to him, and did try to get on to him about his cheating on his wife.

To sum it up: Your man is wounded-and is afraid of being hurt and feeling vulnerable. You have to be the patient voice of encouragement. One day, hopefully the kids will grow up and mature emotionally. I agree that if he doesnt want to know about messages dont force it. but do let him know that you wont erase messages, but will write them down and leave it up to him whethor or not he wants to see them.  Im like you the pollyanna wanting everything to be happy and get along. I grew up in a leave it to beaver kind of home- solid", so Its hard for me to imagine discord-especially permanent. I now have experienced that with my own kids, but still work to fix or resolve. sometimes it just takes simple consistant words and a simple note to say I love you- It might piss off the kids cause they still want to hate and be mad. but be loving but not a doormat...let them work it out in their own heads.

 
Sis, I agreed let him know that there are messages.  It is his decision to listen or not.  But I would also have him write a note so that in case his daughter tries to do something, you have it in writing that he was the one that chose not to return calls etc..  This way she has no way of saying that it was you who withheld contact with her dad.

beachlover wrote: I'd let him know there was a message and make him decide whether he wants to listen/delete it and what he wants to do about it.  That way he cannot blame you in any way later on.  I also question whether or not this money was truly stolen!  This girl does sound like she has a screw loose and I have to wonder if she's using her own child to extort money from her father.  Just my opinion, but then, I see the evil side of everyone, comes with my job unfortunately

Bud would never blame me - he's the one who suggested that I delete them.   It's his idiot daughter who blames me.   

Bud cut off ties with his kids before I met him - seldom heard from them unless they wanted money.    I couldn't believe anyone as sweet and giving as he is could have children as evil as he said they were.   I WAS WRONG!

I was the one to encourage having a relationship with them - even when his daughter was hateful and tried to break us up.    He once said to her: You had no problem when your mother was having affairs.  You had no problem with the fact that she left me without a word.  You had no problem with the fact that she married a guy who beats the crap out of her.   But you have a problem iwth the fact that I picked up the pieces of my life, met Gloria and have a good life with her.    Well, Gloria is in my life to stay so you can either accept her or choose to not be part of our lives.  

I never wanted to come between him and his kids - but he said that I didn't.   That I've done so much for them and the grandkids.  

The woman (Bud's daughter) is screwed up.    Really screwed up.   All three of the kids have problems and have been in therapy.  Her husband had to leave his job as a cop because of his emotional breakdowns and hospitalizations for them.   She stopped allowing the youngest one to see the therapist because the therapist insisted on family therapy and she thought it was dumb.    The middle child, a girl, has been hospitized for severe anorexia - to the point where her heart was affected.    But his daughter said that this was her daughter's decision to have this illness and the whole family shouldn't have to be punished because of the daughter's choice!  (What kind of mother would say that her child chooses to be anorexic and that's her own fault ? )

So, we're dealing with some real issues.

The son stopped talkign to Bud when Bud's father wanted to sign his house over to Bud's son (Bud said he didn't want it) and Bud paid for all the paperwork for the house to be transferred - but then they found out that if BUd's dad did this that Bud's son would be liable for his grandfather's bills if he were put in a nursing home within a couple years so Bud had the lawyer reverse the paperwork.  Bud son feels that his father CHEATED him out of the inheritence from his grandfather! 

He told me that one day he was telling his dad that he had a better relationship with my kids than his own and he felt guilty about that.   (My kids absolutely adore him!)

He said that his father told him that he had two choices:  He could cut off the relationship he had with my kids so that the relationship he had with his own kids would look better.  Or he could be damned grateful that my kids cared about him and just enjoy them.

I just hate seeing him hurt every time his daughter crawls out of the woodwork.  I hate having him berate himself for what he did while raising them.    HE really felt, at the time, that giving them everything they wanted was the way to go.   That was what his (ex) wife wanted him to do - work 2-3 jobs so the kids could have everything they wanted.   But then he found out that all they wantedwas what he could give them financially.  

 His daughter reminds me of one of my sisters.  He's a big boy.  Tell him he got a message and he can either listen to it or delete it.  You don't need to put yourself in the middle.

 He needs to deal with this himself.  I'd tape the calls and leave them for him to listen to when he is up to it...leave the decision up to him.  Tape them and then delete them from the phone.  Say, here is a call...listen, don't listen...leave it up to him.

SG_Becky wrote: I think I'd probably listen to and save the messages, but not push him listen to them, just tell him there was a call and let him decide if he wants to hear it.

That's what I'd do.

 I'm sorry you're both in such a frustrating situation. My Dh has family issues as well and he tries to avoid contact with them. I would leave the message after listening to it and let him know that there's a message if he'd like to listen to it. I'd probably give him a brief rundown of the message before he listened to it. Good luck! (((HUGS)))

SG_Becky wrote: I think I'd probably listen to and save the messages, but not push him listen to them, just tell him there was a call and let him decide if he wants to hear it.

My opinion too. {{HUGS}}

 I don't believe I would delete them, that is not your place, he can delete without listening even if he wants to but I would not delete them.